MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the… More
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – The deeply contested Democratic primary race is heating up with the Iowa Caucus just one day away. However, the 24-hour Media Cycle has an early surprise as our affiliate, Punxsutawney Phil, went off-script and predicted Senator Klobuchar (D-MN) to secure the presidency after being scared back into hiding by the looming shadow of the American midwest.
Phil’s PR team quickly tried to de-politicize the event claiming it was “purely speculation” from the rodent, while his spokesperson, Karrie Hound stated that Phil “didn’t realize the mic boom fell in front of the lighting, morphing his shadow into the shape of the twelve states that form what is the midwestern United States.” However, it wasn’t long before Klobuchar’s campaign jumped on the endorsement of her inevitability, releasing a 2-minute ad with the slogan “Gopher Phil is a Go-For Klobuchar.”
Klobuchar’s primary opponents had an array of responses to the matter. Potential democratic nominee Pete Buttigieg vocalized his surprise with the prediction due to his and Phil’s shared common ancestry, while Senator Sanders, on the other hand, was surprised that Phil deviated from the American Groundhog Union’s (AGU) endorsement of him just one week prior.
When asked if the prediction hurt his chances to win the primaries, Joe Biden began talking about a hedgehog he once met, before falling into problematic discussions of race relations in the 1970s. In a similar vein, President Donald Trump tweeted a claim that Phil was a “KNOW NOTHING GROUNDHOG,” who “isn’t even trusted by groundhog insiders,” before he too fell into a problematic rant on race relations in the 1970s.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following news last night that the United States House of Representatives voted to impeach, President Donald Trump frantically went on Google to try and figure out what that meant. Only the third U.S. President to ever be impeached by congress, Trump is in fact the first to have no fucking clue what it means.
“I’m always hungry,” said the president when he first heard the news late last night, “but I hate fruit. Thanks very much, but I don’t think I want an impeach. He then went on to ask if it was something involving “that Italy gays movie,” but was also informed that that wasn’t the case.
At crunch time, sources close to the president have reported that he is still trying to log on to his phone in order to access google, attempting to guess whether his password is “69”, “6969”, or “696969;)”. He still has no idea who, what, or where impeachment is.
BEDFORD, MA — This Thanksgiving break, local gay cousin Ava Blackburn has been mentally preparing herself for dysfunctional family warfare. Knowing that she is both queer and vegan, Blackburn has decided to pick her battles when it comes to dinner-table topics of discussion.
“It’s basically a choice between mentioning my girlfriend or refusing to eat the mashed potatoes that definitely contain dairy,” Blackburn told The Groundhog in confidence. “Aunt Ida keeps insisting that the potatoes are vegan, but I think she’s just hoping I won’t notice.”
Many of her defense strategies involve avoiding her grandmother, a food-obsessed homophobe, altogether.
“Everything about my existence would make a baby boomer’s head explode,” she explained. “Like, no, Grandma, I do eat meat, but not the kind you’re making. She still asks me when I’m getting a boyfriend every year. I just tell her I’m focusing on my studies.”
Although Blackburn has a fraught few days ahead of her, she says there is some solace to the chaotic holiday.
“One of my cousins dropped out of undergrad, so at least I don’t have to deal with all that,” Blackburn noted, making an exaggerated expression with her eyebrows. “Also we smoke weed together before dessert.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a huge hit to the queer community, student-run café Espwesso has announced that they will be nearing bankruptcy by the end of the Fall 2019 semester. The café known for giving away free coffee as a central tenet to its business model is completely perplexed as to how they ended up broke.
“It seemed like a flawless plan from the beginning,” financial manager Sam Jellious said. “You give the coffee away, the customer doesn’t pay for it, and money appears in your account every week. We don’t know what went wrong.”
On top of completely free drip coffee, Espwesso has also boasted absurdly low prices for its esp(w)esso-based drinks. Competitors such as Pi Café and Usdan Café charge up to 1.5 points more per drink, with the added benefit of cold, premixed salads and Icelandic yogurt selections.
“I go to Espwesso to do work all the time,” sophomore Tina Mueller shared. “It took me until this interview to realize that they even sold anything.”
“I stopped going to Espwesso because every girl I’ve ever hooked up with studies there,” one student who asked to remain anonymous said. “That, and I simply don’t agree with jazz or improv—for political reasons. I don’t think public spaces should host those kinds of events.”
With a beloved study space on the verge of collapse, many are going into dire straits to save Espwesso from the brink and liven up their business model.
“Maybe if we started calling it ‘Wespresso,’ more people would come,” Jellious said.
MIDDLETOWN, CT — The biggest weekend of the fall semester has come and gone, folks! With Halloween on a Thursday this year, Halloweekend extended past its normal October boundaries to continue into November 1st and 2nd. Some students sported creative costumes for all three days of the drunken extravaganza, but only one complete weirdo left his costume on through Sunday and Monday.
“I saw him at the football game on Saturday and I thought, ‘Oh, cool, he’s wearing his costume during the day. That’s kinda weird, but I can vibe with it,'” one sophomore Deidre Birkenstock noted. “But then I saw him at lunch in Usdan and I realized he’s still wearing that freaky suit.”
The person behind the unnerving bird suit has yet been unnamed, but his presence has shocked and disturbed visiting parents, alums, and students alike.
“This is getting weird, man,” Michael Toblerone ’20 said. “What’s the meaning behind the costume? Is it a sex thing? Why is he normally surrounded by a group of girls in skirts?”
Loud side correspondents have attempted to shed light on the mysterious phenomenon, but their explanations were incoherent. Their talk of Saturday morning rituals and “school spirit” only raised our suspicions of a possible satanic Halloween cult in our midst.
“Dude, he’s supposed to be wearing that,” football player John Licklehooper insisted. “We can’t win without our Dirty Bird there on the sidelines.”
There’s no way of knowing for sure why that particular student has chosen this lifestyle, but for the sake of our mental wellbeing, we hope it stops soon.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan student Jake Maroney ’20 arrived at a halloween party this past weekend dressed as what he call ‘a pointy ghost’. When every single person at the party responded negatively to the costume, Maroney didn’t know what was going on.
“Ghosts are, like, a classic halloween costume,” argued the college senior, “and I just changed it up a bit by making the ghost pointy. What’s the issue?” Nearly everyone at the party immediately pointed out the issue, but Maroney refused to listen.
When questioned, no one even really understood where the idea to do a pointy ghost costume came from. “What the hell is a ‘pointy ghost’?” asked Lauren Billard ’21. “Does Jake think that’s a thing?” Numerous other partygoers were asked, but no one had ever heard of a ‘pointy ghost’ as a thing. One friend said “At first I thought Jake was racist, but now I know he’s just stupid.”
“I mean, like, sharp things are scary. So a pointy ghost is scarier?” Maroney claimed, but dutifully removing his costume and revealing a sexy cat underneath.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Hark! On a sheet of parchment on the front steps of North College, a challenge was issued by none other than President Roth himself. The parchment read as follows: “Those gents who is’t possesseth the pow’r to wield the longeth ice cream scoop from Usdan shall beest mine own immediate success’rs”.
Many students have tried in vain to control the raw power that the scoop exudes. Those who have come close to wielding the untempered energy of the long scoop immediately found themselves on the edge of fainting. One student commented, “After many minutes of struggling to coordinate myself in direct opposition to the scoop’s primordial behest, I blacked out and woke up during Late Night”.
Among the absolute chaos both the long scoop and its puppet, Michael Roth, had sought out, one freshman faced the challenge with a vigor that exceeded that of previous attempts. Walking in from the quiet side, the mysterious and noble hero placed their hand onto the scoop, left sitting in the Narragansett cookie flavor, with grace. They then wielded the scoop with such ease that the student could not have been anything less than a demigod. It is clear that this student, that soon disappeared (likely to take their position), is absolutely worthy.
We recommend that the student body welcome our new leader with open arms. It is best not to disrespect a being with that sheer amount of raw power.