Roth Hires “Empath Assistant” To Understand Where Students Are Coming From

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth has reportedly heard, acknowledged, and truly internalized complaints by students that his school “doesn’t understand how hard academic work in an international pandemic can be.” Immediately concerned, Roth gathered a “focus group” to establish a new role which might encourage greater understanding between students and faculty. The group, which contained him and 7 other like-minded and passionate board members, came to the conclusion that they would be hiring new Empath Assistants for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic. These self-professed “empaths” will work as mediators between the misunderstood student body and their impartial, objective professors.

In his announcement of the new position of Empath Assistant (EA), President Roth made it clear that the tenured professors had done their darndest to reward those who are willing to take on such a role. Unfortunately, President Roth announced that “due to this realization coming partway through the semester, we will be unable to make room for financial compensation for the EAs. However, we hope that the added bonus of finally being ‘heard’ will be enough of a reward for the intense emotional labor involved.”

Some of the students in Roth’s classes, however, seemed unconvinced that this would encourage truly unbiased understanding in terms of the cultural and political context. Sarah Macchi, ‘23, believed that the lack of financial help would unfortunately ensure that only the most “financially-privileged of empaths” would be able to take on this position, whereas Sam Jackson, ‘24, found the fact that “the professors are still forcing the excess labor onto the shoulders of the students” to be objectionable. 

However, as Wesleyan University has made it clear that they will hopefully be expanding the EA program over the next couple of years, while keeping the structure set up by Roth, we at the Groundhog can only look forward to how it can improve student-professor relations.

Copulation in Covid: Four Ways to Freak with No Fear!

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, individuals have found themselves faced with severe isolation, fear, and sexual frustration. Precautionary measures, such as social distancing and mask wearing, have left most longing for the vibrant social interactions they experienced prior to the pandemic. For many of these people, what they yearn for most is the sex life they once had in the mask-free world. The sexual tension is palpable on Wesleyan University’s campus as a result of the pandemic, and we are prepared to solve this issue. 
The Groundhog, in collaboration with Davison Health Center, is thrilled to present a detailed guide on how to get d*ck without getting sick (or; how to sit on a face, without public health disgrace). 

Masked From the Back:

Nurse Jeniffer of the Davison Center insisted that we began by presenting her favorite: doggy style in masks. She explains, “With both students facing in the same direction, transmission of the virus is far less likely to occur. Plus, who doesn’t like hitting it from behind?” Andrew F. ‘23 elaborates on the added benefits of mask-wearing during intercourse: “My roommate really appreciates that any noises are far more muffled. He no longer gets migraines when my boyfriend sleeps over.”

Circular Eating:

Nurse Mark strongly suggests that students try the sixty-nine method. This involves the two students facing in opposite directions, thus lowering the chances of infection. While he understands that this is slightly less practical on a twin bed, he assures it is safe and enjoyable for both individuals. Furthermore, Nurse Mark teased an oral-sex davison-exclusive PPR release coming up, that “stops COVID transmission like a dam.” Hannah G. ‘21 shares her confidence in this position: “I just feel so much safer with my hookup’s face far away from my own! Like, we all have sexual needs, but I don’t need to swap tongues to get the deed done. Plus, I have no problem with his junk in my face. It kind of reminds me of my pet hamster.”

Zoomegle:

During times of social isolation, making virtual connections is of the utmost importance! Zoom offers a variety of fun ways to engage in online intercourse: from zoom orgies (feel free to pin your favored partner for extra intimacy) to breakout-room speed dating, the platform lets you scout out a responsible sexual partner before making any contact-commitments. 

Masturbation and Education:

Finally, we want to present you with a Groundhog special: masturbation and education. Get sexual with yourself as you watch CDC guideline videos and informational forums on Covid-19, presented by the most promiscuous professionals. This method is a 2-1 package, as you can relieve your sexual frustration while also staying up-to-date on the newest precautionary measures. Martha C. details why this is her new favorite: “I love staying informed, plus the CDC Specialists have really sexy voices. I mean, what could be better?”

The Groundhog and Davison Health Center hope this was inspiring and informative for all. Happy humping!

Aspiring CSS Major Claims He Is Next RBG for Men’s Rights

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died of metastatic pancreatic cancer September 18th, 2020. While many mourned her death, viewing her as a feminist icon and champion for women’s rights, one Wesleyan student saw it as an opportunity.

“I just feel that men’s rights have taken a back seat to women’s rights in recent years, and I think it’s time for that to change,” said Ron Kaczynski ‘24, citing “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion as one of the ways in which women’s rights are getting “too out of hand”. 

Kaczynski is planning to major in CSS, hoping the rigorous course load will increase his chances of getting nominated for Supreme Court Justice. He is still in the process of picking between Yale and Harvard Law Schools to go to straight after graduating. 

When asked about how he plans to start off this project he said, “Yeah I’m actually thinking about making shirts that say ‘Nevertheless s(HE) Persisted’ just to drive home the whole men’s rights thing.”

Cowboy Unknowingly Attends His Last Rodeo

HOUSTON, TX — On March 17, 2020, local cowboy and Texas native Buck Willicker unknowingly experienced his very last rodeo. Due to current pandemic climate, all rodeos beyond 2020 have been henceforth canceled, and unbeknownst to the rough rider, he would soon die in a tragic bull-riding accident after learning he is red-green colorblind. 

“This ain’t my first rodeo,” the jaded cowboy remarked, blithely ignorant to the fact that it would also be his last. 

Houston officials, despite warnings of coronavirus, continued their bovine celebration nonplussed. Each event took place with its usual gumption, from calf-wrangling to mutton-busting. Willicker, at the peak of his barrel-racing career, was expecting to take home nearly $10,000 in prize money, which he would soon blow almost entirely on jumbo margaritas. 

“I’m not afraid of no COVID-19, or however old she says she is,” Willicker was overheard muttering to a cowpoke. “Where I’m from, we have an old-fashioned welcome for whatever wants to try and encroach on our freedoms.” 

Willicker reportedly cocked his gun at an employee, “to prove a point.” Unfortunately for the groundskeeper of good old Southern values, he would never get to threaten the life of a livestock official again.

Adulting Win? This Woman is 28

LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of effort and hard work, local creative professional Sarah Richter has finally nailed this whole “adulting” thing. At the tender age of 28, she’s stopped accepting rent money from her parents, and has managed to keep a succulent alive with the help of her roommate. Pretty grown-up, if you ask us! Which is good, because she’s two years away from 30. Her parents had two kids at her age!

Richter’s biggest accomplishment in her twenties has been, according to her, “learning how to make the perfect grilled cheese,” and “separating the darks and whites” in her laundry. She’s really out here killing it! 

“Part of what’s made me feel so mature lately is also the fact that I’ve started valuing my own time,” Richter reported, a full-grown woman with several grey hairs. “I don’t mess around with guys who sleep on air mattresses anymore. They have to have an IKEA box frame, or it’s a dealbreaker.”

Sarah, you inspire us every day. We can’t wait to see what adult-like thing you do next!

Zoom Graduation Interrupted by Cat Yakking a Big One

EVANSTON, IL — On May 17, 2020, Wesleyan seniors gathered behind their laptop screens to celebrate the greatest accomplishment of their undergraduate careers. Although separated by the tragedies of a sudden pandemic, the class of 2020 stood staid to receive their diplomas with the grace and significance such a moment deserves. That is, until the cat started hacking up a really huge one, even for him. 

As President Michael Roth delivered his commencement address to the grief-stricken seniors, he emphasized the role of resilience in these uncertain times, and how far the class has come in terms of their academic achievements. These praises did not ring as meaningfully as they might have been if Toaster hadn’t eaten so many cat treats the night before. 

“Jesus Christ, Toaster,” Will Nattick ’20 chided, forgetting to mute his microphone on Zoom. “Do you have to do that on the carpet?” 

Toaster appeared not to notice Nattick’s suggestions, too preoccupied with the massive obstruction working its way up his little kitty throat. In the background, Nattick’s name had been called with a virtual message of “Congratulations.” 

Nattick’s first act as a college graduate was to clean up Toaster’s mess before it sunk too deep into the carpet fibers.

Michael Roth: “Finally, Wesleyan is a Safe Enough Space”

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the students for whom displacement is heartbreaking and an extreme hardship,” said President Roth when asked to comment, “Wesleyan is finally a safe enough space.”

When asked, Roth clarified that he wasn’t referring to the campus being safe from the COVID-9 virus, but rather “toxic disagreement and other forms of problematic rhetoric.” The university president seems to be referring to the arguments posed in his 2019 book Safe Enough Spaces: A Pragmatist’s Approach to Inclusion, Free Speech, and Political Correctness on College Campuses. “Really, this is exactly the sort of situation I had advised,” said Roth. “Chapter 12 discusses how a worldwide pandemic is the perfect situation to really make a campus a safe space for its inhabitants.”

“If no students are able to assemble in groups larger than 5 people, then it’s very difficult for there to be any free speech issues, do you see?” Roth cackled, when asked to explain himself. “That’s what makes this such a beautiful situation.” He then went on to add — in a somewhat sinister tone of voice — that if he had his way, the whole world would be ‘safe enough’ by the end of the year. “And then they’ll see what old Mikey Roth was talking about,” he added. “Then they’ll all see the value of a liberal arts education.”

Swings Introduces New Valentine’s Day Pail of Condoms, Melted Chocolate

MIDDLETOWN, CT— Following the success of their 4/20 and Thanksgiving pails, campus restaurant WesWings has introduced a holiday meal sure to rile your appetite. The new Valentine’s Day pail features the classic Swings takeout box filled to the brim with smooth-glide condoms and melted chocolate.

“We wanted something that felt romantic, but still accessible to the average cynical college student,” Swings owner Ed Thorndike ‘78 told The Groundhog. “You could eat it on your own, but it’s also big enough to split with a partner.”

In the spirit of inclusivity, Swings will also offer a dental dam option and a latex-free pail. “We thought about making the chocolate dairy-free, but we thought the post-consumption stomach pain was really important to the dining experience.” Thorndike continued. “It’s a lot like love, in that way.”

When asked to elaborate on that comparison, Thorndike refused. “This is exactly what I want out of a pail,” Sam Jellious ‘22, an avid WesWings patron, said. “It tastes kinda gross after a while and there’s no nutritional value, but if I buy it, everyone will think that I’m having sex.”

Usdan Loudside Gets a Hibachi Table, Becomes “Hibachi Side”

MIDDLETOWN, CT – After years of being labeled as the eating area for athletes and frat bros, the loud side of Wesleyan’s Usdan University Center will finally be getting a hibachi table. No longer will patrons of the loud side have to wait in line at Mongolian grill and then trudge all the way back to their tables; now they will be able to get their fried rice from the comfort of their seat. 

“Listen I love Mongo as much as the next guy,” said Chuck Logan ‘20, captain of the rowing team. “But being able to get my six egg breakfast sandwich while sitting with my friggin dudes? PLUS an onion volcano? Nothing beats that.” 

Sources close to Bon Appetit management have confirmed that the Hibachi Chef will be doing “All the classics,” like the onion volcano, and the shrimp in the pocket toss, and of course, squirting sake into the mouths of eager guests. When asked about this, Logan replied simply “It’s about time we got some long-range sake in Usdan.”

 

Groundhog Goes Off-Script, Somehow Predicts Klobuchar Presidency

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – The deeply contested Democratic primary race is heating up with the Iowa Caucus just one day away. However, the 24-hour Media Cycle has an early surprise as our affiliate, Punxsutawney Phil, went off-script and predicted Senator Klobuchar (D-MN) to secure the presidency after being scared back into hiding by the looming shadow of the American midwest.

Phil’s PR team quickly tried to de-politicize the event claiming it was “purely speculation” from the rodent, while his spokesperson, Karrie Hound stated that Phil “didn’t realize the mic boom fell in front of the lighting, morphing his shadow into the shape of the twelve states that form what is the midwestern United States.” However, it wasn’t long before Klobuchar’s campaign jumped on the endorsement of her inevitability, releasing a 2-minute ad with the slogan “Gopher Phil is a Go-For Klobuchar.”

Klobuchar’s primary opponents had an array of responses to the matter. Potential democratic nominee Pete Buttigieg vocalized his surprise with the prediction due to his and Phil’s shared common ancestry, while Senator Sanders, on the other hand, was surprised that Phil deviated from the American Groundhog Union’s (AGU) endorsement of him just one week prior.

When asked if the prediction hurt his chances to win the primaries, Joe Biden began talking about a hedgehog he once met, before falling into problematic discussions of race relations in the 1970s. In a similar vein, President Donald Trump tweeted a claim that Phil was a “KNOW NOTHING GROUNDHOG,” who “isn’t even trusted by groundhog insiders,” before he too fell into a problematic rant on race relations in the 1970s.