HOUSTON, TX — On March 17, 2020, local cowboy and Texas native Buck Willicker unknowingly experienced his very last rodeo. Due to current pandemic climate, all rodeos beyond 2020 have been henceforth canceled, and unbeknownst… More
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the students for whom displacement is heartbreaking and an extreme hardship,” said President Roth when asked to comment, “Wesleyan is finally a safe enough space.”
When asked, Roth clarified that he wasn’t referring to the campus being safe from the COVID-9 virus, but rather “toxic disagreement and other forms of problematic rhetoric.” The university president seems to be referring to the arguments posed in his 2019 book Safe Enough Spaces: A Pragmatist’s Approach to Inclusion, Free Speech, and Political Correctness on College Campuses. “Really, this is exactly the sort of situation I had advised,” said Roth. “Chapter 12 discusses how a worldwide pandemic is the perfect situation to really make a campus a safe space for its inhabitants.”
“If no students are able to assemble in groups larger than 5 people, then it’s very difficult for there to be any free speech issues, do you see?” Roth cackled, when asked to explain himself. “That’s what makes this such a beautiful situation.” He then went on to add — in a somewhat sinister tone of voice — that if he had his way, the whole world would be ‘safe enough’ by the end of the year. “And then they’ll see what old Mikey Roth was talking about,” he added. “Then they’ll all see the value of a liberal arts education.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT— Following the success of their 4/20 and Thanksgiving pails, campus restaurant WesWings has introduced a holiday meal sure to rile your appetite. The new Valentine’s Day pail features the classic Swings takeout box filled to the brim with smooth-glide condoms and melted chocolate.
“We wanted something that felt romantic, but still accessible to the average cynical college student,” Swings owner Ed Thorndike ‘78 told The Groundhog. “You could eat it on your own, but it’s also big enough to split with a partner.”
In the spirit of inclusivity, Swings will also offer a dental dam option and a latex-free pail. “We thought about making the chocolate dairy-free, but we thought the post-consumption stomach pain was really important to the dining experience.” Thorndike continued. “It’s a lot like love, in that way.”
When asked to elaborate on that comparison, Thorndike refused. “This is exactly what I want out of a pail,” Sam Jellious ‘22, an avid WesWings patron, said. “It tastes kinda gross after a while and there’s no nutritional value, but if I buy it, everyone will think that I’m having sex.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – After years of being labeled as the eating area for athletes and frat bros, the loud side of Wesleyan’s Usdan University Center will finally be getting a hibachi table. No longer will patrons of the loud side have to wait in line at Mongolian grill and then trudge all the way back to their tables; now they will be able to get their fried rice from the comfort of their seat.
“Listen I love Mongo as much as the next guy,” said Chuck Logan ‘20, captain of the rowing team. “But being able to get my six egg breakfast sandwich while sitting with my friggin dudes? PLUS an onion volcano? Nothing beats that.”
Sources close to Bon Appetit management have confirmed that the Hibachi Chef will be doing “All the classics,” like the onion volcano, and the shrimp in the pocket toss, and of course, squirting sake into the mouths of eager guests. When asked about this, Logan replied simply “It’s about time we got some long-range sake in Usdan.”
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – The deeply contested Democratic primary race is heating up with the Iowa Caucus just one day away. However, the 24-hour Media Cycle has an early surprise as our affiliate, Punxsutawney Phil, went off-script and predicted Senator Klobuchar (D-MN) to secure the presidency after being scared back into hiding by the looming shadow of the American midwest.
Phil’s PR team quickly tried to de-politicize the event claiming it was “purely speculation” from the rodent, while his spokesperson, Karrie Hound stated that Phil “didn’t realize the mic boom fell in front of the lighting, morphing his shadow into the shape of the twelve states that form what is the midwestern United States.” However, it wasn’t long before Klobuchar’s campaign jumped on the endorsement of her inevitability, releasing a 2-minute ad with the slogan “Gopher Phil is a Go-For Klobuchar.”
Klobuchar’s primary opponents had an array of responses to the matter. Potential democratic nominee Pete Buttigieg vocalized his surprise with the prediction due to his and Phil’s shared common ancestry, while Senator Sanders, on the other hand, was surprised that Phil deviated from the American Groundhog Union’s (AGU) endorsement of him just one week prior.
When asked if the prediction hurt his chances to win the primaries, Joe Biden began talking about a hedgehog he once met, before falling into problematic discussions of race relations in the 1970s. In a similar vein, President Donald Trump tweeted a claim that Phil was a “KNOW NOTHING GROUNDHOG,” who “isn’t even trusted by groundhog insiders,” before he too fell into a problematic rant on race relations in the 1970s.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following news last night that the United States House of Representatives voted to impeach, President Donald Trump frantically went on Google to try and figure out what that meant. Only the third U.S. President to ever be impeached by congress, Trump is in fact the first to have no fucking clue what it means.
“I’m always hungry,” said the president when he first heard the news late last night, “but I hate fruit. Thanks very much, but I don’t think I want an impeach. He then went on to ask if it was something involving “that Italy gays movie,” but was also informed that that wasn’t the case.
At crunch time, sources close to the president have reported that he is still trying to log on to his phone in order to access google, attempting to guess whether his password is “69”, “6969”, or “696969;)”. He still has no idea who, what, or where impeachment is.
BEDFORD, MA — This Thanksgiving break, local gay cousin Ava Blackburn has been mentally preparing herself for dysfunctional family warfare. Knowing that she is both queer and vegan, Blackburn has decided to pick her battles when it comes to dinner-table topics of discussion.
“It’s basically a choice between mentioning my girlfriend or refusing to eat the mashed potatoes that definitely contain dairy,” Blackburn told The Groundhog in confidence. “Aunt Ida keeps insisting that the potatoes are vegan, but I think she’s just hoping I won’t notice.”
Many of her defense strategies involve avoiding her grandmother, a food-obsessed homophobe, altogether.
“Everything about my existence would make a baby boomer’s head explode,” she explained. “Like, no, Grandma, I do eat meat, but not the kind you’re making. She still asks me when I’m getting a boyfriend every year. I just tell her I’m focusing on my studies.”
Although Blackburn has a fraught few days ahead of her, she says there is some solace to the chaotic holiday.
“One of my cousins dropped out of undergrad, so at least I don’t have to deal with all that,” Blackburn noted, making an exaggerated expression with her eyebrows. “Also we smoke weed together before dessert.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a huge hit to the queer community, student-run café Espwesso has announced that they will be nearing bankruptcy by the end of the Fall 2019 semester. The café known for giving away free coffee as a central tenet to its business model is completely perplexed as to how they ended up broke.
“It seemed like a flawless plan from the beginning,” financial manager Sam Jellious said. “You give the coffee away, the customer doesn’t pay for it, and money appears in your account every week. We don’t know what went wrong.”
On top of completely free drip coffee, Espwesso has also boasted absurdly low prices for its esp(w)esso-based drinks. Competitors such as Pi Café and Usdan Café charge up to 1.5 points more per drink, with the added benefit of cold, premixed salads and Icelandic yogurt selections.
“I go to Espwesso to do work all the time,” sophomore Tina Mueller shared. “It took me until this interview to realize that they even sold anything.”
“I stopped going to Espwesso because every girl I’ve ever hooked up with studies there,” one student who asked to remain anonymous said. “That, and I simply don’t agree with jazz or improv—for political reasons. I don’t think public spaces should host those kinds of events.”
With a beloved study space on the verge of collapse, many are going into dire straits to save Espwesso from the brink and liven up their business model.
“Maybe if we started calling it ‘Wespresso,’ more people would come,” Jellious said.