MIDDLETOWN, CT – Philosophy major Samuel Teitelbaum told The Groundhog this morning that he believes he’s finally “figured it all out.”
“I’m really excited about my thesis”, Teitelbaum said. “I truly believe I’m making a breakthrough in how man thinks about the Universe. It’s as if I’ve been searching my entire life for some sense of purpose or meaning, and through a liberal arts education and my parents’ money, I think I’ve got it.”
When asked if Teitelbaum wished to speak on his revelations, he seemed unsure. “I just don’t know if anyone is really ready for this yet. This is some pretty big stuff and in this day in age, the world can’t really take much more. At this moment, trained scholars should be the only ones to know about my revelations. Like myself. Or my roommate whom I told it all to last night when he came home from rehearsal. He was pretty tired so I don’t think he even remembers what I said. Or, no, I mean, he couldn’t really handle what I said.”
When asked how Teitelbaum plans to reveal his findings to the world, he said, “I’m planning on publishing my thesis. Maybe Penguin will pick it up. Or it will be published in The New Yorker. I know what you’re thinking. It’s unlikely. But this is really it. I think they’ll really see that.”
The Groundhog reached out to Teitelbaum’s major advisor, but he declined to comment.