MIDDLETOWN, CT – A source from the third floor men’s bathroom at Olin Library this week reports that a student opted to use the the smaller and shorter urinal designed for children. He did so not by force, not by necessity, but by his own free will. Is this the hero that Wesleyan has been looking for?
Nick Houghton ‘20 was at the scene, and describes it as nothing short of astonishing. “He came out of nowhere! I walked in with him, and he was a little in front of me. I assumed he would take the taller urinal, and I would have hunch over a little to use the children’s urinal. Instead, he took my breath away.”
Sources confirm that this bathroom crusader went on to wipe his hands on his pants instead of using a paper towel because someone else was waiting. He even held open the door for one Jacob Kennings ‘19. Says Kennings, “I didn’t even know him. But he did it anyway.” When pressed, Kennings admitted that maybe he had seen him at Usdan once or twice, but he was pretty sure he isn’t in his Language of Hollywood lecture.
When asked if this bathroom vigilante would soon have a bust of him placed in front of the office of admissions, the university declined to comment.