Student with Friday 8:50 Swears She’s Not Going Out Tonight

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Although many consider Thursday nights to be the first night of the weekend, Alicia Newman ’20 insists she is not going out tonight on account of her Friday morning class.

   “I’m really going to stay in and get some work done tonight. I have an early class in the morning,” Newman said.

   Newman was reportedly seen texting her friends later that evening about attending Wine and Cheese Night. When confronted, Newman denied the rumors.

  “I can’t drink tonight because I have an 8:50 class. Why, do you know who’s hosting this week? Do they take Venmo because I don’t have three dollars cash…” Newman trailed off, only to assert again that she absolutely wasn’t planning to go out tonight.

   “I might smoke a little, but I’m just going to stay in tonight,” Newman repeated hollowly.

  Newman’s close friend Kara Blighton ’20 claims she’s seen this phenomenon before.

  “Alicia does this every Thursday. She’s going to end up going out, regretting it in the morning, and vowing never to go out on a Thursday again,” Blighton said.

   Newman was last seen on Fountain at approximately 1:43 a.m., emphatically telling drunk passersby that next week, she’ll definitely have a night in.

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