MIDDLETOWN, CT – Sad news came to students of Wesleyan today as they learned Usdan would no longer be offering e. Coli in the classics line. Initial reports indicated this change would only be for meatless Tuesdays, but it now appears to be permanent.
“This is complete bullshit,” said football player Fred Rogerson ’18, a frequent Usdan diner. “This is so typical Wesleyan, trying to create a sheltered safe space from something completely benign like e. Coli. Wake up, people. There’s e. Coli in the real world and you’re going to have to get used to it.” Rogerson then grabbed his three plates of food and stormed off to the loud side of Usdan, muttering about “trigger warnings.”
Vegetarian Hannah Chrysler ’19, for one, feels unaffected by the change.
“I’m not trying to get on a soapbox here, but if you all stopped eating animals you wouldn’t contract devastating diarrhea,” Chrysler said as we promptly walked away from her.
For better or for worse, it looks like e. Coli will not be returning to Usdan anytime soon. Those who want their bacterial fix will now have to go all the way to Summerfields.