On November 2, the Cubs made history when they won the World Series for the first time in 108 years. Local resident Bernard Muller, for one, could not care less.
“I’ve never really followed baseball, and I especially don’t care about the Cubs,” Muller said. “Why would I? I’m not from Chicago.”
When asked what he does between basketball and football season instead of following sports teams he has no real loyalties to, Muller said:
“I dunno. Sometimes I watch porn.”
Muller has reported that all of his secondhand indignation instead goes into his love for the Patriots and corresponding hatred for anyone willing to challenge him on that.
“Why are we even congratulating the Cubs when Brady has led the Pats to the Super Bowl six times in the past 16 years?” Muller began to shout.
Out of nowhere, Muller ripped off his shirt revealing a jersey labeled “Brady” underneath his work clothes. He began to calm once we reminded him the playoffs would not be for a few more months.
“I’m just glad baseball season is over. I’m sick of hearing about that shit,” Muller said.