PSafe Discovers Facebook; Dumbfounded by the Blatancy of Parties

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Campus police at Wesleyan University made an unprecedented leap forward last week upon discovering social media. Officer Toby Tyson, the man who made this advancement, says he has never seen anything like it. “It’s absolutely nuts,” he said. “They just tell everyone where the parties are gonna be! Really makes our job a lot easier”.

This newfound strategy of looking for prior notice of parties exactly where this notice is always given, every single weekend, has really blown things open for Wesleyan Public Safety. “When Officer Tyson first suggested we go on Facebook to find out about parties, I thought that was insane!” said Officer Jane Phillips, when asked. “Turns out, not only do they tell you where the parties are going to be, but they say when they start!” Phillips went on to explain that this would totally revolutionize their strategy of wandering around Fountain and Pine, hoping statistics would be on their side.

“Our original plan was to put an undercover officer in a falafel truck,” explained Tyson. “But then I found out that on snapchat people literally film themselves doing illegal things and then post it so that everyone in the entire NESCAC can see them. Who knew?”

On the other side of things, some students are speaking out against this previously unfathomable obtaining of information. “I mean I knew that when I made those posts public that meant everyone could see them,” argued John Kordiner ‘17. “But I didn’t know that meant everyone could see them!”

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