End Times Not as Cool as We Predicted

   At approximately 2:40 a.m. on November 9, the horsemen of the Apocalypse descended swiftly on our nation. Many bystanders reported that the end times were not as impressive as predicted in TV shows and popular myth.

   “All of the dead-eyed, lifeless figures skulking around weren’t actually zombies like in the movies. They were just Democrats,” one eyewitness said.

   Some complained that Armageddon ushered in not with a bang, but with a whimper.

   “If I knew the end of the world would be reported by CNN, I would have brought some reading material while I waited. Every ‘Key News Alert’ was just an update on how they still don’t know anything yet,” local student Gordon Blackwell ‘17 said.

   Despite disappointing returns, elements of the Apocalypse did live up to its representation in pop culture. One bystander said:

    “The end of days did live up to one stereotype: like in most horror movies, the black people got fucked over first.”

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