Straight White Liberal Student Happy That He Finally Has Something to Complain About

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Josh Rondeson ‘19 felt private moments of glee last night while watching the election coverage, as something he had been waiting for deep down all his life slowly happened before his eyes. “I lost!” Said Rondeson, with the only smile this reporter had seen all day. “I’ve never really lost anything before; it’s an experience I’ve always wanted.”

He went on to explain that he really didn’t care about the election and its many ramifications, only what it means for his social media output. The Wesleyan sophomore gleefully went about composing numerous insightful condemnations of what had happened. Some are clever, some are solemn, but all are criticisms of what other people have done.“For so long, climate change was the only issue I could really claim affected me,” said the heterosexual upper-middle class son of a lawyer. “Now I really feel like my voice is being heard”.

“A bad thing has happened to an enormous amount of people in this country, and no one even kind of thinks it’s my fault. This never happens!” When questioned, Rondeson explained that he had in fact canvassed for Hillary in New Hampshire, and made numerous “Get out the vote” statuses, so really it’s guilt-free complaining. “I’m getting retweet on Twitter from people I respect!” He exclaimed, after refreshing the page twelve times.

“I’m talking about Trump,” Rondeson reiterated. “You know that right? I’m talking about how Trump won. And how bad that is. For me.”

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