Student Wakes Up Too early from Winter Break Hibernation

Somewhere That’s Not Wesleyan, US – Thomas Hagard woke up panicked this Saturday when he found himself not on a train back to Wesleyan. Despite following winter break protocol to the letter, Haggard was somehow awoken early from his deep and protective sleep. He had hoped that after receiving holiday gifts and spending just enough time with his family upon his return to his previous home that he would be able to sleep until he returned to his new home.

“I’m not entirely sure what woke me up,” says Hagard. “It could have been my family returning home and raving loudly about La La Land. Maybe it was the sound of my dad dropping the box of Christmas ornaments down the stairs. I think it was probably my aunt walking past my room talking about she ‘just [doesn’t] get the gays’.”

Regardless of what woke him up, Hagard must now figure out what to do with the rest of his break. Originally, he planned to return to sleep, but as soon as his mother saw that he was awake and commented, “Oh well look who’s up,” her guilt tripping has been too constant for any real rest. After exhausting his resources of Westworld episodes on a friend’s HBOGo account, Hagard plans to masturbate a lot and “finally get that screenplay done.”

Godspeed, Thomas Hagard. Godspeed.

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