On February 2, our nation held bated breath as we waited for a feeble-minded rodent to divine our future for us. Tomorrow, we will do the same as we await President Trump’s next executive order.
“Last year, we upheld the archaic practice of letting mindless animals hold power of us only once a year,” said Punxsatawney resident Miles Sampson. “And I thought Phil got too much press time…this is just getting ridiculous.”
Much like his Pennsylvanian counterpart, President Trump is also afraid of his own shadow, as he is with most darker-colored individuals. Because Punxsatawney Phil saw his shadow this year, he has announced six more weeks of winter. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer took Phil’s word for it and reported to the press that global warming is still a hoax.
“If global warming is real, then why are we having six whole more weeks of winter?” Spicer asked a crowd of eager Breitbart reporters. After his press conference, Spicer returned to his underground burrow until he would be summoned again.