Loud Side Secedes from Usdan

Earlier this week, the Usdan Loud Side population held a rally to discuss their plan to secede from the University Center. Citing irreconcilable differences with the Quiet Side and a distaste for VegOut Tuesdays, Loud Siders referred to the dispute as “the War of Quiet Side Aggression.”

Loud Side representative and men’s hockey captain Andrew Bennet ‘17 disclosed to a Groundhog staff member, “A few underlying issues have definitely created a rift between the sides, like how Quiet Siders come through the exit doorway instead of the actual entrance to put their dishes away, and how no one on the Quiet Side eats enough protein.” Loud Side member Carly Freeman ‘19, member of the women’s volleyball team, asserts, “We want Mongolian Grill. We want Classics. The hot dog and hamburger area. They can have Vegan, Kosher, the salad bar. Not enough protein. Maybe Pastabilities if they’re lucky.”

Rally attendees were particularly excited by the notion of a wall dividing the whole floor into two sides. “Usdan will look the same from the outside, but the inside will be divided fully by a wall, paid for by the Quiet Side. The food stations will be divided up and WesID’s will only be able to swipe you into one of the sides,” Freeman continues. Rally goers were very receptive to the idea of a travel ban put in place against students wishing to travel from Quiet to Loud, but the experts on the Groundhog legal team concluded that it seems likely that the administration would be able to stop a ban such as this, at least temporarily.

“The unveiling of the satellite dish station on the Quiet Side couldn’t have come at a more apt time,” says prospective government major, Marc Plomowitz ‘20. “This ensures that the Quiet Side won’t be left reusing dirty dishes when cut off from the juggernaut that is the Loud Side dish station.” Plomowitz also notes that he thinks a food fight between the sides is only inevitable. “The general athleticism of Loud Siders makes them a clear favorite in a potential food fight situation, but anything can happen.”
The Groundhog will remain an unbiased journalistic force during this polarizing time.

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