New Campus Band Looking for White Guys

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan’s ever-growing music scene is about to have a new campus band, [One Word Band Title], featuring [arrogant guitarist], [token girl musician], [another guitarist], and [gimmick instrument]. They’re looking to expand their sound by making a public call out to white guys everywhere.

“It’s only semi-important to us if a band member knows anything about music at all,” one of the guitarists said. “What matters most is that it’s a skinny white guy.”

[One Word Band Title] can best be described as a hybrid of alternative rock, gentrified hip-hop, “the good kind of country,” and anything Julian Casablancas has ever breathed on.

“What we’re really trying to do with this band is fill a gap we believe is in the Wesleyan music scene,” I think a different guitarist said. “and we’re going to fill that gap with more white guys.”

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