WASHINGTON, D.C. – After his first few controversial weeks in office, Donald Trump has signed what pundits and media analysts are calling “the least controversial executive order in the history of the presidency.” A substantial six years after the literature and music retailer declared for bankruptcy in February, 2011, Donald Trump has decided to “close all American Borders,” citing a substantial wall blocking the company from making future progress.
“Reading is great if you want to seem like a huge nerd,” the President continued. “I was never called a nerd in grade school, never happened. Never.”
Earlier today, confused White House staff tried to explain the defunct status of the company to the President in a closed-door briefing before the President signed the executive order. The President immediately defended his position, saying that his buying the hardcover edition of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone for $20 from Borders was “the worst trade deal ever approved in this country.”
He reiterated that his presidential skill in carrying out the order should not go unnoticed, saying, “It’s just incredible. I closed down the corporation AND lost no jobs. No other president could have done that.”
Trump released a final statement saying that he fully understands the implications of his executive order, and that no one was more qualified to close down Borders as “no one understands bankruptcy like I do.”