MIDDLETOWN, CT – This is a public service announcement for any freshman who may have recently lost their V-Card, as one was recently found on Foss Hill and given to the Usdan front desk for safe keeping. It was found early on a Sunday morning, and was probably lost late in the night before. Most likely, it was taken by someone in a dorm room, bath room, or possibly even on the hill itself and then dropped by the thief on their way home.
V-Cards have reportedly been taken from many freshmen recently. So, if you still have yours, make sure you are painfully aware of it at all times. If you are prone to forgetting about your V-Card, ask your friends to remind you about it in private but especially in public. Such procedure will ensure others are helping you to keep your V-Card safe. Under the circumstances that you do lose your V-Card, be sure to tell everyone you know as soon as possible so they help you find it.
It is important to remember, if you have lost your V-Card, that it is not a big deal, but people will turn it into one. Without a V-Card you can no longer be a ritual sacrifice, receive love from god, or face your parents ever again, but otherwise you retain the same privileges.
Be aware that losing your V-Card may look different for you than it does for others, but that does not mean you did not lose it. Two freshmen, who lost their V-Cards together, had radically different experiences. They both reported that it happened quickly, but one looks at the experience as far more painless than the other.
Recent reports claim that the student whose V-Card was returned to the front desk has been too busy high-fiving friends to pick it up.