“Men And Women Can’t Be Friends” Says Guy With No Friends

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Ever since “When Harry Met Sally,” a lot of debate has sprung up over whether men and women can actually be friends without trying to bang each other like animals. Recently, terms like “the friend zone” have emerged to console socially deficient men who only value women as potential dick receptacles.

“Men and women can’t ever really be friends,” said one Wesleyan student Garret Gumphries ’18, who reportedly has no friends, male or female, to speak of. “If I’m ever allowed within three feet of a woman, which is rare, I immediately size her up as a possible sex partner. If she is unattractive, I never speak to her again.”

When prompted with the existence of gay men, lesbians, and otherwise non-heteronormative-leaning individuals, Gumphries had little comment.

“I’m pretty sure bisexuals don’t exist, and if they do they probably don’t have any friends either,” Gumphries said.

Another student, one Hunter Freeman ’20, believes himself to be a victim of the dreaded “friend zone.”

“Being in the friend zone is the worst,” Freeman said. “I have to emotionally support women and sometimes even treat them as people without any sort of sexual payoff.”

When asked about their friendship, Rebecca Jones ’20, one of Freeman’s “female friends” seemed visibly confused.

“Hunter? Who? Oh, that creepy guy. No, we aren’t friends,” Jones said. “Did he tell you that? Jesus.”

There you have it, folks. I guess men and women can’t really be friends after all!

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