LOS ANGELES, CA — Earlier this week, it was reported that film star Ashton Kutcher, known for his breakout role on That 70’s Show and Dude, Where’s My Car? neglected to make his daily blood sacrifice to our Dark Lord Lucifer, known more commercially as Satan, and broke his contract for eternal youth. This is a big blow to Ashton who has utilized such powers to make a name for himself as Hollywood softy.
Kutcher’s wife, Mila Kunis, also a star of That 70’s Show (however, no relation to the deal with our Eternal Angel of Darkness and Horror), said she feels, “Heartbroken and, simply just confused. I mean, what? How old is this guy?”
Kutcher’s ex-wife, Catherine Butterworth Chives Bonnetman, pushing on 103 years-old, said, “I am glad my husband has finally rid of this silly deal, so we can die side-by-side as God had intended.”
Kutcher’s family could not be reached for a statement, having been deceased for over two centuries.