MIDDLETOWN, CT — Although many liberal arts students performatively complain about “living in a bubble,” these concerns never seem so urgent until WesPlague hits campus, devastating freshmen, sophomores, juniors and seniors, in that order. Since the start of the epidemic, WesPlague has claimed almost 3,000 social lives, and an average of .2 points off every GPA.
“The WesPlague has really affected my sex life,” said one freshman with a high-school-sized hickey. “I was getting laid a ton before, trust me. It’s totally the WesPlague messing with my vibe.”
Some students have managed to live comfortably with their WesPlague until spring thaws their frequent colds.
“Getting mono hasn’t really affected my social life, because I never had one in the first place,” said sophomore Sam Jellious. The sophomore in question has frequently been accused of looking tired and fatigued, but until now he has never had an excuse for it.
“We see these types of illnesses all the time,” said one Davison Health Center RN. “We know exactly how they spread, and don’t worry—we know exactly who’s hooking up with who to get them.”
Who knows how many more social lives WesPlague will devastate, but in the meantime, students are taking health precautions by putting Emergen-C in their mixers.