Against All Odds, Straight Guy With Ear Piercing Still Pretty Homophobic

MIDDLETOWN, CT— Despite all evidence to the contrary, reports have indicated that that progressive-looking straight guy, Dennis Jerkins ’19, is still pretty homophobic even though he has one ear pierced.

Certified Gay™ Jimmy Haze ’20 notes that, despite his half-hearted attempt at appearing sensitive to liberal arts girls, Jerkins deliberately sticks to manly stud earrings, never entering full-dangle territory.

“I once tried to make conversation with him at a party, and he immediately brushed me off because he thought I was flirting,” Haze said. “The rebuff was only slightly softened because he had an earring and painted nails, and therefore can’t be that homophobic.”

The Groundhog reached out to Jerkins for comment, intercepting him on his skateboard after a Cipher performance.

“Just because I co-opt historically gay fashion doesn’t mean I’m a queer. Or, sorry, queer? Is it a queer or just queer? Well, regardless, they’re totally allowed to talk to me, just, like, don’t flirt with me, because I’m uncomfortable with that,” Jerkins said. “I usually just assume they’re flirting with me.”

Jerkins is considering getting a tattoo of a lotus flower to convince women he’s not misogynistic.

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