MIDDLETOWN, CT — Good news, salad tossers! Veg Out has announced a new outreach program to appeal to students who only eat ass. For years, Veg Out has been met with controversy amidst students, especially student athletes, who value their meat. Now, the program hopes to capture the ever-growing demographic of ass-eaters, a group who really don’t care what goes into their mouth.
“Veg Out has always been notoriously under-attended,” group leader Stacy Kohl ’18 said. “We’re hoping that this new approach will make vegetarianism more current and prove that there are ethical ways to eat meat, meaning ass.”
Ass eating, much like vegetarianism, has become more widespread (pun not intended) among liberal arts students in recent years. Many self-ascribed butt snorkelers have expressed disappointment that so few spaces cater to their niche tastes.
“This is supposed to be a progressive school, but I still feel marginalized on account of my sexual identity, meaning someone who likes to give and receive anilingus,” local “crackhead” Harrison Fuller ’20 said. “I’m still going to eat lunch at Summies every other Tuesday, but this is a step in the right direction.”
Bon Appetit in affiliation with Usdan is keen to point out that their food has always tasted like ass, but will work with Veg Out to publicize it more.