Leonardo DiCaprio Accidentally Incepted into My Wet Dream Last Night

MY ROOM – After seeing The Shape of Water last week, I knew I was in for a weird night’s sleep, but I thought the weirdest part of my night would be dreaming about making soft and sensuous love to a fish-person. I’m not saying I want to have sex with a fish-person, but you can’t put that in my head and expect me to not dream about it. When I eventually started drifting off, things were going pretty much as expected. I was mute. He was kind. Things started heating up. It’s the oldest story in the books.

I started to sense something was fishy when Leonardo DiCaprio, in a full suit that did not match Del Toro’s carefully crafted aesthetic, opened the door to the bedroom where my scaly lover and I were breaking all of the rules. His suave demeanor left him immediately as he went pale and closed the door while apologizing profusely. I’m no stranger to Leo D. being in one of my sex dreams, but his failure to turn this awkward situation into a little menage a trois was an immediate red flag.

I threw on some clothes for modesty’s sake, regained my ability to speak, and went outside to talk to a clearly shaken Leonardo DiCaprio. I got him some fresh water that wasn’t used during foreplay with my nighttime companion, and we started talking.

He told me that he was in my dreams to steal government secrets but bit off more than he could chew. Seeing him so flustered was shocking. Behind his masculine façade he was so delicate. As soon as I had that realization, I came and woke up. Before I could clean up and apologize, he was already gone.

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