Newly Hooking Up Freshman Couple Unaware of Horrors to Come

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Despite attempts to “keep it low-key,” reports have been going around that Freshmen Lonnie Dankstrum and Isabel Lasse have not only been hooking up for 5 weeks now, but seem to be spending more and more time together every day.

A reporter for the Groundhog reached out for comments after passing them making out on the couches in the second floor of Olin.

“Well, we’re not really putting any labels on it yet,” began Lasse, glancing at Dankstrum for approval. “We’re just kind of seeing where it goes at this point, I mean we’re only two months into school after all.”

Jane Landrys ‘21, a close friend of both Dankstrum and Lasse, was available for comment, saying, “Yeah, they’re not being low at all, like sometimes we’ll be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly they’re sucking face.”

“I mean they spend almost all their time together, so what do you think?” Landrys responded when asked to address the state of the couple’s relationship. “I mean I guess communication isn’t that important, but they seem to be using their mouths an awful lot to not have discussed it at all.”

Although it hasn’t been confirmed, it seems as though this past Thursday a couple with similar features was seen eating in silence at Usdan, with neither of them looking up from their dishes.

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