How to Form a Band So Unpopular It Never Sells Out

MIDDLETOWN, CT — A common problem indie bands face is toeing the line between artistic integrity and commercial success. How do you make sure that your experimental jazz trio doesn’t become a filthy sell-out? Rest assured, The Groundhog is here to help you form a band so unpopular you never have to worry about the burdens of success.

  1. Pick three random genres out of a hat.

It is recommended, but not mandatory, that at least one of those genres be “neo-soul,” “noise,” or “post-progressive.” Bonus points if you’re clearly appropriating.

2. Make sure at least one, if not all of your members are from New York.

What’s more important than actually being from New York is mentioning New York a lot. Never admit that you’re actually from a bougie suburb — only bring up Brooklyn, or when in doubt, just say “the city.” This technique also applies to the Bay Area.

3. Bandanas.

Nothing says cool, carefree, and trust-funded like a bandana.

4. Write all of your songs about your ex.

Be sure to include graphic details that no one cares to know. Art is about expressing YOU, not about worrying what will trigger your audience’s gag reflex. Besides, therapy is expensive, and so are those tickets to Bermuda you wasted, Todd.

5. The more guitars, the better.

Most bands have one guitarist. The best bands obviously have two guitarists, because that’s the coolest instrument, right? Go above and beyond and include three guitarists for good measure. It’s the only way to stay authentic and keep the fairweather fans at bay.

Go forth, and with this advice, create the most original indie band of all time.

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