MIDDLETOWN, CT – Yesterday morning Jeremy Longsides ‘21 decided that everyone else in his Techniques of Fiction class was bad at writing. “I just think that anyone who isn’t me in this class doesn’t know how to write, actually,” said the prospective English major. “I just don’t get how no one taught these kids how to write. didn’t their private schools have a creative fiction in the post obama era class.”
Despite the fact that his classmates ripped his short story “Death is Dark; Love is my Rap Music” to shreds in a recent class workshop, Longsides seemed confident in his hypothesis that he was the only person in the class who doesn’t really fucking suck at writing. “I know they don’t like my work, but I think that’s pretty obviously just because they don’t understand it.”
Longsides went on to postulate that perhaps this wasn’t where the conspiracy ended, wondering if this theory carried outside of the classroom. “Are there any good writers at all? I mean, I like Catcher in the Rye, but that’s about it. Maybe it’s just me and J.D. Salinger. ” the Wesleyan Sophomore said, before hitting his vape one more time. “Oh, and Infinite Jest, I assume.”
When questioned, Longsides stated that he wasn’t available to comment on whether or not he had actually read the David Foster Wallace novel, as he was busy starting work on a new short story about a hard on his luck novelist with a penis that was just too big.