P-Safe Officer Begins Grueling Training Montage in Preparation for 4/20

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Public Safety officer Todd Miller recently began a grueling training montage in order to prepare him for the most important day of his year: 4/20. We caught up with the member of campus security as he took a quick break between running down college row with a tire on his back and studying flashcards so he can spot the difference between a vape and a USB drive.

“I consider everything I’ve ever done to have been leading up to this” Miller said. “Everything from my first day when I tried to stop someone smoking and they ran away, to yesterday, when I tried to stop someone smoking and they ran away.” He then went back trying to beat his personal best time at writing down a student ID number.

When asked, the officer admitted that P-Safe had been somewhat lacking in its cracking down of 4/20 activities in recent years, though for good reason. “I don’t think most people realize how intimidating Foss Hill is on that day for us. All those kids, staring at us, just daring us to do something? I’d lie if I didn’t say nearly every member of the force has had nightmares about it. This year I want to be prepared.”

Miller also admitted that he had had a moment of weakness a few days ago, when he collapsed to his knees after failing a weed vs. skunk smell test.  “Luckily my trainer, Michael Roth, was there to slap me in the face, look me very sternly in the eyes, and say ‘Again.’ That was the push I needed to get back in it. ”

For the next month Officer Miller can be found at the obstacle course he set up in his back yard, where he practices chasing students, and then stopping on a dime if said students start actually running away. “If I’m not there, I’m probably at home, trying to figure out how to download the “Rocky” soundtrack to my Zune.”

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