Students Mark Doors in Lamb’s Blood So Fire Safety May Pass Over Them

MIDDLETOWN, CT — On Saturday evening, campus residents huddled in their dorms, fearful of the watchful gaze of Wesleyan Fire Safety. In order to stave off what could mean certain death, (or worse, a $50 fine), students marked their doors in lamb’s blood, so the shadow would pass over them unharmed.

“Last year, I left a candle in my room and fire safety charged me a ridiculous amount of money,” Nics resident Liza Feldspar ’20 said. “But this year, we’ve been promised deliverance from this unfair reign.”

Many consider fire safety to have somewhat of an intolerant, totalitarian rule over campus housing.

“I just want to be able to burn incense without feeling persecuted,” Clark resident Paul Lehman ’21 said. “It’s like, I just want to be free, you know?”

In an apparently unrelated incident, many dorms have reported infestations of frogs and locusts in the past week — nearly every dorm except the Bayit.

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