MIDDLETOWN, CT — As the weather finally warms and snow begins to melt, there’s only one thing Wesleyan students can think about on a fine April day: boning seniors. This time of year is truly best represented by virile youth fervently checking their emails, hoping to find a new Pokemon to get off to the thought of.
Of course, your inbox didn’t always used to be this sexy. Sure, there was the occasional Nigerian prince to sweep you off your feet, but nothing really excited you the way Pikachu talked dirty between ResLife emails. That is, nothing except Paul Turenne.
Paul was the constant you could always count on with the latest campus updates. His consistency was strong, mature, and sexy — almost like an upperclassman. But better. Paul always messaged you first to show you he cared. Why did you let Paul go?
You took Paul for granted. Now you’re fielding small talk from a Pidgeotto. Is this how you’re going to spend the rest of your life? No, just the rest of the semester. You’ll still miss Paul, but the rebound sex with Scizor will be even better.