Vegetarian at Barbecue Just Here for the Political Arguments

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS — Barbecues. What better way to show your love for your country than deep-throating five hot dogs? However, at a local Fourth of July celebration, vegetarian nephew Simon Lewis admits he is both unable and uninterested in eating the meat-centric spread.

“No one bothers to make any veggie burgers for me, and I’ve given up asking at this point,” Lewis said, a current junior at Vassar College and two-year vegetarian. “The only thing sustaining me is a hunger for brick-wall political arguments with my conservative family members.”

Independence Day has always been an especially politically charged holiday, perhaps owing to its proclivity to gastrointestinal distress and fiery explosives.

“I don’t miss the taste of meat when it’s just as satisfying to tell Aunt Linda that America was built by genocidal, slave-owning colonizers,” Lewis said. “She nearly dropped her NPR bag.”

When asked what food at the barbecue he can eat, Lewis said that he does eat the mac and cheese. When asked about the environmental impact of the dairy industry, Lewis cut across the backyard, muttering something about picking a fight with Grandpa Larry.


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