WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the recent Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh putting American reproductive rights at risk, now is as good a time as ever to think about long-term birth control. The next few years could descend into a trash fire at any moment, and the last thing you want is an intruder in your womb to deal with. Here are five reliable options to keep the bun out of your oven when the Russians take over:
- Mirena IUD
The Mirena IUD is a hormone implant that lodges firmly in your uterine wall, and prevents fetal inconveniences for up to six years. In the frightening event that Trump wins his reelection, this IUD will cover you throughout his whole term!
2. Birth Control Implant
This hormone implant goes in your arm instead of your vag, which makes insertion a little less invasive and terrifying, but the side effects even more pronounced. Being a woman is amazing! The arm implant lasts up to four years, which means that assuming Planned Parenthood is still open four years from now, you’ll have to make another appointment!
3. Copper IUD
Unlike the above options, the copper IUD doesn’t rely on hormones, but still causes painful and inconvenient side effects anyway! We love an inconsistent bitch. The plus side is that the copper implant lasts for up to 12 years, and depending on your age, you might be barren by the time it wears off anyway. Most dictatorships get more lax after the first decade anyway, so this option might be perfect for you and your rapidly declining political situation!
4. Underground All-Female Commune
At some point, the only way to get through this shit is to pull a reverse Handmaid’s Tale and create your own woman-led society in the sewers. Without any men to impregnate you, there’s no need for birth control in the first place!
Let’s face it: you’re a millennial. You don’t want to bring children into this world anyway. Just commit to wearing crocs 24/7 until shit blows over. It’s cheaper than getting your tubes tied, and you can accessorize with some fun Jibbitz.