‘Free Mattress Pad, Barely Used’ WesAdmits Poster Sighs

MIDDLETOWN, CT ā€” With students getting settled into the new semester, WesAdmits is abuzz with items for sale, items wanted, and freshmen looking for any intel about anything. Seriously, they have no idea what’s going on. As seniors transition into their new full-sized beds, they often must part with their mattress pads in search of bigger things. Joshua Polliver ’19, recently put his pad up for grabs, making sure to emphasize how uneventful its life has been.

“If you’re worried about some stranger having had sex on your mattress pad, I assure you that has never happened,” Polliver said both insistently, yet reluctantly. “Like, I definitely sat on it a lot, but no fluids or genitals have ever been in contact with the pad. Like, ever.”

When asked if the mattress pad had any food or drink stains, Polliver was even less eager to comment.

“Well….I got Summies to-go a lot my sophomore year,” Polliver said. “My point is this is probably the cleanest mattress pad on the market. Maybe it’s seen a few crumbs. At this point the only consolation for my lack of sex life is how marketable this mattress pad is. Please just take it away from me.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s