Freshman With A/C Still Can’t Get Anyone to Sleep With Him

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Despite the advantage of living in Clark, freshman Sam Jellious ’22 still can’t convince any students on campus to sleep with him. His air-conditioned bedroom is still not enticing enough for the average Wesleyan student, despite his petitions to ResLife to advertise his space as “Open for Business.”

“It’s been really disheartening,” Jellious said. “I don’t know how to market myself much better. Like, I have AC. I have a pulse. I could borrow my friend’s projector. What else do I need?”

When informed that getting a more interesting personality or wearing shoes that aren’t flip-flops could increase his chances of finding a companion, Jellious did not appear to be listening.

“I’m gonna put some ice cube trays in my mini-fridge. Ice cold Svedka? Who can resist that,” he rambled.

Meanwhile, Jellious’ own roommate has been reported to have moved outside to the common space, “to get away from that weirdo.”

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