MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a misunderstanding regarding the appearance of an equine character at Wesleyan on Netflix’s Bojack Horseman, President Michael Roth implemented a controversial affirmative action campaign aimed at horses. “It’s been brought to my attention that only one student identifying as a horse goes to this institution” Roth announced yesterday, entirely confused as to what was going on and what is wanted of him by the student body. “I will do my best to rectify that immediately.”
“I showed Roth a screenshot from Bojack and mentioned that kids on campus were excited about it,” says an anonymous source inside the president’s’ office. “He told me to shut up and that he would deal with it. I had no idea that this is what he meant.”
Students all over campus are both confused and befuddled by President Roth’s newest decisions. “I mean, yeah, I was psyched to see Wes on TV, but that doesn’t mean I think horses should be students here,” said Harriet Kilborne ‘21, calling into question the president’s understanding of what is ‘hip’, ‘woke’, or even vaguely logical. “I mean yeah, I kind of get where he’s coming from maybe, but at this point it’s so off base I don’t even know what to say.”
At crunch time Roth asserted that he was committed to listening to the student body and was trying to do what they were calling for. “That said, you know, I’m not going to change my mind” the university president commented before adding that Sorry to Bother You had also been a big influence on his decision.