New CAPS Therapist Clearly Just Michael Roth’s Dog Wearing Glasses

Students were disappointed last Friday when the much-anticipated new addition to the CAPS staff was revealed to be no more than President Michael Roth’s dog Mathilde wearing glasses.

“Dr. Woof is perfectly qualified for this position,” maintained Michael Roth. “She has over ten years of experience working as a psychologist for the St. Bernard Hospital, and her PhD thesis on dog therapy has been universally lauded for its conclusive and efficacious results,” he added, pointing at Dr. Woof’s doctorate from Barkeley University.

This development is unfortunately but the latest in a series of idiosyncratic management decisions made by the university. Indeed, this September marked the inauguration of two new therapy treatments at the CAPS: reflective therapy, in which students are invited to describe their problems to a mirror with a mustache stuck onto it until they feel better, and reverse-therapy, in which students are offered the opportunity to counsel CAPS staff to help them work through the emotional and financial strain of their work.

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