MIDDLETOWN, CT — There is something abuzz in the air at the local Liberal Arts college, and it’s more than just homesick freshmen excited to see their parents for the first time in over a month. For some, it’s the myriad of campus events happening this weekend; for others, more specifically the twenty-year-old sexually bored lesbian students, it’s the potential of their school being mobbed by their peers’ hot mothers. These lesbians know that the mothers range from sharp, intellectual East Coast matriarchs, to warm and sweet Southern Belle hostesses. Furthermore, they know exactly what each one needs at this point in their lives.
Despite backlash from close friends, these young adults remain optimistic. Anne Phanne ’21 excitedly awaits the arrival of Beth, her best friend’s mom. Anne reveals that her friend had threatened to “unfriend [Anne] if you hit on my mom”, but the unphased and sexually forward lesbian knows that all is fair in love and war. The sexual prowess of a newly matured humanities major lesbian is unparalleled by the sports jacket-wearing dads, and they seem to understand this. However, with this said, the unspoken rule is to keep home-wrecking to a minimum, on account of their peers’ mental and familial health.