Student Matchmaker Outdoes God Once Again

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Felicia Crantz ‘21 set up two of her friends this past weekend, proving once again that she wields more power than God. “I went to Catholic school, so I really used to believe in God as the ultimate divine authority” said Harriet Lowe ‘21, “but then Felicia helped me get with Tom [Klaus ‘20] and I think now maybe all bets are off.”

Crantz has slowly been building this reputation since her freshman year, sources close to the matchmaker say. Harriet and Tom are simply the most example of her going beyond what God seems to be able to accomplish on His own. “I mean, I remember she helped Ben Bryer [‘20] hook up with Jack Deckowicz [‘21]!” said Sarah Park ‘20. “I know Jesus could walk on water, but that’s nothing compared to that.”

When asked to comment, Crantz said that she just tries to do the good work that the Lord simply doesn’t seem be able to do. “I’ve got the guts to make the tough connections, the hard calls that get two people drunk in the same room together at the right time. ” When asked if that made her better than Him, the student matchmaker replied “Do I do things that God can’t? Yes, absolutely.”


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