MIDDLETOWN, CT — Hold onto your socks, dear reader, because they’re about to be blown off. Just over a week ago, Spencer Daniels ‘22 was seen at Usdan, enjoying what seemed to be a normal lunch. However, something seemed off to all around him. That something was a glass of milk. That’s right folks, this sadistic fuck was seen drinking a full glass of bona fide cow’s milk. I shit you not, he just went for it, no warning to the people at his table, and no blanket to shield others from the sight of a man drinking an entire glass of milk.
To make this situation all the more dire, this heinous act was committed on Parents Weekend. In addition to subjecting students to this brazen act of hubris, parents and children were forced to endure this attack on the most basic human rights. Mrs. Daniels, Spencer’s actual biological mother, was seated directly next to him, and had this to say about his son’s transgressions. “Gosh, I thought I raised Spencer to be better than this, but it turns out he’s just a filthy milk-drinker. I hope he doesn’t expect to have a home with Dale and I for breaks, because there’s no chance that I will let him step foot into my house with his filthy, milk-drinking feet.”
When asked to comment on this situation, writer of the Emoji Movie, and actual alumnus of Wesleyan University, Mike White stated*, “He did what now?! Back in my day, we would have taken that smug prick out back, and beaten the ever loving shit out of him. I can’t believe that we have reached a point that people can safely drink milk out in public! Consider my donations to Wesleyan revoked!”
Make sure to watch Mike White win it all on Survivor, because there’s nothing he can’t do. As of now, Spencer Daniels is being held in a P-Safe lockup, with no sign of his release. I, for one, am glad that one more milk-drinker is off the street, and behind bars for many years to come.
*Mike White did not actually speak to us.