Athletes Plagued by Head-Shoulders-Knees-and-Toes Disease

MIDDLETOWN, CT — An acute new pathogen has been spreading around Wesleyan’s athletic community. Head-Shoulders-Knees-and-Toes Disease disproportionately affects student athletes in the gym, as it thrives in sweaty, testosterone-filled environments and spreads in skin-to-mat contact. Symptoms include fever, boils, and the sudden urge to put up a “Saturdays Are For the Boys” banner on one’s wall.

“I had been avoiding the gym for years,” quiet side resident Alicia Whitley ’21 told The Groundhog. “Finally, I have a good reason.”

If left untreated, Head-Shoulders-Knees-and-Toes can spread beyond the infected areas (head, shoulders, knees, and toes) and course through the whole body, oscillating in severity.

“Typically, the pathogen spreads from the head, to the shoulders, to the knees and then to the toes,” Davison nurse Kelly Stone informed. “It then moves back to the knees, then back to the toes. It goes ‘knees and toes, knees and toes,’ a few times.”

For the sake of the Fountain party scene, we hope these athletes get well soon.

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