Wesleyan Suspiciously Quiet About Mike White ’92

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Mike White ’92, perhaps better known as Ned Schneebly, is the most important alumni Wesleyan has produced since Hillary Clinton. Ned Schneebly has written/produced/acted in countless classics, including School of Rock, Pitch Perfect 3, Year of the Dog, Nacho Libre, Chuck and Buck, and most importantly, The Emoji Movie, based on his experiences at Wesleyan.

When asked to comment on why Wesleyan doesn’t make more of a big deal out of him, he didn’t respond to my Facebook message. Perhaps it’s because he doesn’t use Facebook. He only has one friend on the platform, a mystery named Wavy MEzzy.

This discovery of Mike White makes us wonder: what else is Wesleyan hiding? Did Pope Urban II attend this institution? Is Yoko Ono a professor of geology? Has anyone been able to explain the sudden appearance and subsequent disappearance of the Mona Lisa during parents weekend? Is the next Galileo hidden in the basement of Usdan? Has anyone seen Wesleyan University and Aqua Man in the same room?

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