Freshman Finally Washes Sheets

MIDDLETOWN, CT – According to inside sources, freshman Jarred Schneider was heard last Friday discussing the proper etiquette for washing his sheets. Seen in the WestCo lounge, right outside of their laundry room, it was clear from the dialogue that Schneider had yet to wash his sheets, two and a half months into his freshman year.

WestCo resident Aymee Hutchinson ‘21 stated, “He just kept questioning really basic things about washing sheets, like whether or not to wash the pillows – not the pillowcases, the pillows.”

Schneider’s roomate, Sam Smolsson ‘22 additionally noted that, while complaining about the tediousness of washing his sheets twice a month, he saw Schneider “tallying up some number on his fingers”, seemingly counting the number of weeks it had been. Once he realized that it had been a full ten — yes TEN — bacteria-infesting weeks in his bed, his face went bright red.

To make the investigation all but conclusive, Schneider’s close friend Aylan Robson ‘22  informed us that Schneider had asked whether he should talk to his Halloweekend hook-up about this, worrying that it had been the reason why she had left a mere seven minutes after entering his Pink Floyd poster-laden room.

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