SANTA’S WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE – In a startling new Christmas development, Jeff Bezos has announced that Amazon will be absorbing Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole. Santa Claus has been struggling to keep up with demand for a while, and admits that Amazon’s state-of-the-art shipping system rivals the jolly old elf himself.
“I mean, we’ve been relying on reindeer technology for decades,” Claus said. “We had a jump on the whole globalization thing, but the Information Age has caught up to us. Amazon has cornered the online delivery market, plus their labor laws are even more depraved than mine. Like, I enslave childlike elves for their entire lives with no pay, but Amazon is on another level.”
Bezos is happy with the acquisition, citing the North Pole’s lax regulations on corporate businesses.
“We’re gonna bring a lot of jobs up north,” Bezos’ representative said in a press announcement. “With all the ice that’s melting, trickle-down economics have never been more applicable.”
Amazon’s technological advances will also revamp Santa’s surveillance models.
“At first, I had to keep a list and check it twice,” Claus said. “Now, I just monitor their shopping history and Internet browser activity with the help of my good pal Mr. Zuckerberg.”
So this Christmas eve, remember to leave out milk and cookies! It’s the only food your underpaid delivery person will get.