Sinful Partying Teens Swallowed by Hellpit

MIDDLETOWN – For too long we have indulged our every hedonistic whim, paying no heed to the possible punishment for our nightly sacrilege. For too long we have been greedy, lustful, gluttonous, and “sloth,” blinded to the true wrath of the almighty by our drunken hubris. For too long we have crammed into senior houses, and now we have become the architects of our own undoing.

Last Friday, a house party on Fountain was brought to a grinding halt during the third play of “Mo Bamba” when a Hellpit opened on the dance floor, pulling most of the soccer team, a bunch of freshmen and that one kid from your FYS into the fiery chasm below. Eye witness reports recall a voice from the depths calling out to the crowd. The disembodied, booming voice reportedly spoke in tongues, saying “Lorem ipsum dolor ResLife sit amet.” No expert we have contacted could decipher the ancient language, but if we were to make a conjecture, we would say it is probably not good.

The residents were pulled into a hell of their own – relocated and isolated in the Butts. There they will learn to repent. Hopefully, it will teach them to find enjoyment in prayer rather than partying.

This portal to the underworld has since been closed thanks to help from Physical Plant, but we cannot help but wonder if this will be the last. Until we return to the path of the righteous, please refrain from having any fun whatsoever.

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