UCAB Hosts Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In honor of everybody’s favorite celebration of love, the Usdan Center Activities Board (UCAB) will be hosting a Sober Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy this Friday, February 15th, on the second floor of the Usdan University Center. UCAB’s Twitter advertised the advent as “a safe, sober, atmosphere where students are encouraged to fuck out their stresses in the name of love for the Wesleyan community.” Additionally noting that, “Lubricant, condoms, dental dams, gloves, and finger cots will all be provided, with the mood music chosen by our very own Ken, curator of Usdan’s loud side playlists.”

The event came as a surprise to much of the campus, with junior Jamie Andrus stating, “I never even knew UCAB threw events that people really went to. Have you ever asked someone where they were going Friday night and hoped they’d say ‘Usdan’?” Later adding “This might be the first time running into my crush in Usdan with a full mouth won’t be insanely embarrassing.”

The hype building up for the event has spread Valentine’s orgy fever around the campus rapidly. Multiple athletic teams have even banded together to make white and pink tear-off tracksuits emblazoned with the phrase “This is why… it’s called LOUD side” across the front, and a personalized picture of each athlete’s vinegar stroke on the back.

Although there has been some controversy in the past regarding space in Usdan, most UCAB members are sure students will use every table and chair for its most effective and efficient purpose, even with the expectation of mass numbers attending. Furthermore, you can be sure this Groundhog’s Staff will be poking its head out of hiding for it, even if February 2nd has long passed.

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