The Groundhog Unveils New Platform For Women: The Beaver

It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room: The Groundhog is pretty male-skewed. We love women, but for some reason women don’t love us. Instead of reflecting deeply on the latent sexism in comedy writing, we came up with the next best thing: a complete redesign, made special for the ladies. Just like pink razors, pink LEGOs, and pink self-defense pepper spray, we’ve designed the new Groundhog to appeal especially to women, to make their needs heard. We’re proud to introduce: The Beaver. It’s the Groundhog, but for women.

Not enough for you? We’re pivoting all of our reporting to the kind of coverage that women just can’t get enough of. You’re getting Lifestyle, Food, Fashion, Style, Health, Foodstyle, Life Fashion, and a brand-new advice column specifically for how to get your 30-year-old boyfriend to do the dishes and/or give you an orgasm more than three times a year. Men, am I right, ladies?

The Beaver can’t wait to satisfy all your womanly needs. We’re also launching a merchandise section of feminine products such as $40 white T-shirts that say “I’m A Woman. Is There A Problem?” and “Girl Power!” with a public domain image of Rosie the Riveter, but she has a septum piercing. Please let us capitalize off of your sense of empowerment. 

So you see, there’s no way you can accuse us of sexism. We’ve heard you, and we’ve changed. Look out for upcoming articles in the works, such as “Feel Good About Your Body, But Keep Dieting Though” and “How to Use Astrology to Justify Your Breakup.” The Beaver wants to help you embrace your womanhood, and above all, never look beyond it.

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