MIDDLETOWN, CT — The biggest weekend of the fall semester has come and gone, folks! With Halloween on a Thursday this year, Halloweekend extended past its normal October boundaries to continue into November 1st and 2nd. Some students sported creative costumes for all three days of the drunken extravaganza, but only one complete weirdo left his costume on through Sunday and Monday.
“I saw him at the football game on Saturday and I thought, ‘Oh, cool, he’s wearing his costume during the day. That’s kinda weird, but I can vibe with it,'” one sophomore Deidre Birkenstock noted. “But then I saw him at lunch in Usdan and I realized he’s still wearing that freaky suit.”
The person behind the unnerving bird suit has yet been unnamed, but his presence has shocked and disturbed visiting parents, alums, and students alike.
“This is getting weird, man,” Michael Toblerone ’20 said. “What’s the meaning behind the costume? Is it a sex thing? Why is he normally surrounded by a group of girls in skirts?”
Loud side correspondents have attempted to shed light on the mysterious phenomenon, but their explanations were incoherent. Their talk of Saturday morning rituals and “school spirit” only raised our suspicions of a possible satanic Halloween cult in our midst.
“Dude, he’s supposed to be wearing that,” football player John Licklehooper insisted. “We can’t win without our Dirty Bird there on the sidelines.”
There’s no way of knowing for sure why that particular student has chosen this lifestyle, but for the sake of our mental wellbeing, we hope it stops soon.