Café Known For Free Coffee Wonders Why It’s Broke

MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a huge hit to the queer community, student-run café Espwesso has announced that they will be nearing bankruptcy by the end of the Fall 2019 semester. The café known for giving away free coffee as a central tenet to its business model is completely perplexed as to how they ended up broke.

“It seemed like a flawless plan from the beginning,” financial manager Sam Jellious said. “You give the coffee away, the customer doesn’t pay for it, and money appears in your account every week. We don’t know what went wrong.”

On top of completely free drip coffee, Espwesso has also boasted absurdly low prices for its esp(w)esso-based drinks. Competitors such as Pi Café and Usdan Café charge up to 1.5 points more per drink, with the added benefit of cold, premixed salads and Icelandic yogurt selections.

“I go to Espwesso to do work all the time,” sophomore Tina Mueller shared. “It took me until this interview to realize that they even sold anything.”

“I stopped going to Espwesso because every girl I’ve ever hooked up with studies there,” one student who asked to remain anonymous said. “That, and I simply don’t agree with jazz or improv—for political reasons. I don’t think public spaces should host those kinds of events.”

With a beloved study space on the verge of collapse, many are going into dire straits to save Espwesso from the brink and liven up their business model.

“Maybe if we started calling it ‘Wespresso,’ more people would come,” Jellious said.

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