Swings Introduces New Valentine’s Day Pail of Condoms, Melted Chocolate

MIDDLETOWN, CT— Following the success of their 4/20 and Thanksgiving pails, campus restaurant WesWings has introduced a holiday meal sure to rile your appetite. The new Valentine’s Day pail features the classic Swings takeout box filled to the brim with smooth-glide condoms and melted chocolate.

“We wanted something that felt romantic, but still accessible to the average cynical college student,” Swings owner Ed Thorndike ‘78 told The Groundhog. “You could eat it on your own, but it’s also big enough to split with a partner.”

In the spirit of inclusivity, Swings will also offer a dental dam option and a latex-free pail. “We thought about making the chocolate dairy-free, but we thought the post-consumption stomach pain was really important to the dining experience.” Thorndike continued. “It’s a lot like love, in that way.”

When asked to elaborate on that comparison, Thorndike refused. “This is exactly what I want out of a pail,” Sam Jellious ‘22, an avid WesWings patron, said. “It tastes kinda gross after a while and there’s no nutritional value, but if I buy it, everyone will think that I’m having sex.”

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