Alum Dad A Little Too Comfortable Back on Campus

MIDDLETOWN, CT — With Parents’ Weekend in full swing, Wesleyan alum Robert Miller ’84 has been settling in a little too comfortably on campus while visiting his freshman son, Rob Jr.

“He just took off his shoes and started reading on Foss the moment he got here,” Rob Jr. ’22 said. “He keeps trying to tell me about the time he did shrooms at Wadsworth. He calls all my professors by their first names.”

Miller’s nostalgic and overly familiar behavior has driven a wedge between the visiting family. His enthusiasm to revisit “the old stomping grounds” is only rivaled by his disdain for how “soft” everyone has gotten since he attended.

“He keeps dragging me to acapella showcases,” Rob Jr. continued helplessly. “I never should have applied. The legacy bump isn’t even worth it.”

Queer Rodent Community Driven Underground

MIDDLETOWN, CT — In the aftermath of Open House’s first party, some mysterious new signage appeared on the front steps of the queer-centric residence. A groundhog in drag emblazoned the familiar rainbow, a message from Wesleyan’s active and thriving queer rodent population.

“Although we may think we live in a liberal bubble, some individuals, namely groundhogs, still don’t feel comfortable living their truth out in the open,” Open House Manager Neema Kahn ’20 said. “They have to hide in the shadows, or sometimes, if the winter is going to be unexpectedly short, they don’t even have shadows to hide in.”

Reports have indicated that local groundhogs, feeling slighted by their heteronormative rodent cousins, have started their own queer commune under the floorboards of Open House.

“You may not know this, but all groundhogs are actually just gay beavers,” Kahn said.

Disillusioned by the capitalist dam-building industry, groundhogs defect from the beaver-dominated mainstream only to live in burrows. They rarely go outside but they maintain a consistent online presence.

“The new sign outside is our way of showing solidarity and support,” another Open House resident, Jenna Black ’20 said. “If you see a groundhog, please give them space and let them come out to you when they’re ready.”

Resource Center Debuts Confessional Booth for Problematic Students

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Since arriving on campus last year, the Resource Center has been doing its part to make individuals and student groups more aware of their social justice discourses. At times, students have looked to the center for personal advice on how to be more “woke,” performatively lamenting their own transgressions. To keep up with demand for these self-flagellating students, the Resource Center has debuted a confessional booth for anyone wishing to report their problematic behavior.

“I tell everyone I’m bisexual, but I actually reinforce a lot of heteronormative practices in my dating life,” one confessor, Helen Polk ’21 admitted. “I’ll make out with girls at parties but I only end up in long-term situations with dudes.”

Students of all backgrounds, not just Catholics, have been embracing this absolution of guilt.

“I interrupted a girl in my sociology class,” Steven Green ’19 said. “She was making a really good point but I also had a really good point and I just barreled through her. I feel really bad about it.”

After confessing, some students have reported they feel freer to repeat the same offensive behavior, but now with a more black-and-white perception of right and wrong. For others, this confessional marks the first genuine moment of self-reflection they’ve experienced since arriving at Wesleyan.

“I wear thrifted clothes and play up my ambiguous queerness so people forget my class privilege,” a student who wish to remained anonymous confessed. “Everyone is rich at Wesleyan anyway, right?”


Freshman With A/C Still Can’t Get Anyone to Sleep With Him

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Despite the advantage of living in Clark, freshman Sam Jellious ’22 still can’t convince any students on campus to sleep with him. His air-conditioned bedroom is still not enticing enough for the average Wesleyan student, despite his petitions to ResLife to advertise his space as “Open for Business.”

“It’s been really disheartening,” Jellious said. “I don’t know how to market myself much better. Like, I have AC. I have a pulse. I could borrow my friend’s projector. What else do I need?”

When informed that getting a more interesting personality or wearing shoes that aren’t flip-flops could increase his chances of finding a companion, Jellious did not appear to be listening.

“I’m gonna put some ice cube trays in my mini-fridge. Ice cold Svedka? Who can resist that,” he rambled.

Meanwhile, Jellious’ own roommate has been reported to have moved outside to the common space, “to get away from that weirdo.”

‘Free Mattress Pad, Barely Used’ WesAdmits Poster Sighs

MIDDLETOWN, CT — With students getting settled into the new semester, WesAdmits is abuzz with items for sale, items wanted, and freshmen looking for any intel about anything. Seriously, they have no idea what’s going on. As seniors transition into their new full-sized beds, they often must part with their mattress pads in search of bigger things. Joshua Polliver ’19, recently put his pad up for grabs, making sure to emphasize how uneventful its life has been.

“If you’re worried about some stranger having had sex on your mattress pad, I assure you that has never happened,” Polliver said both insistently, yet reluctantly. “Like, I definitely sat on it a lot, but no fluids or genitals have ever been in contact with the pad. Like, ever.”

When asked if the mattress pad had any food or drink stains, Polliver was even less eager to comment.

“Well….I got Summies to-go a lot my sophomore year,” Polliver said. “My point is this is probably the cleanest mattress pad on the market. Maybe it’s seen a few crumbs. At this point the only consolation for my lack of sex life is how marketable this mattress pad is. Please just take it away from me.”

5 Long-Term Birth Control Options to Get You Through Armageddon

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the recent Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh putting American reproductive rights at risk, now is as good a time as ever to think about long-term birth control. The next few years could descend into a trash fire at any moment, and the last thing you want is an intruder in your womb to deal with. Here are five reliable options to keep the bun out of your oven when the Russians take over:

  1. Mirena IUD

The Mirena IUD is a hormone implant that lodges firmly in your uterine wall, and prevents fetal inconveniences for up to six years. In the frightening event that Trump wins his reelection, this IUD will cover you throughout his whole term!

2. Birth Control Implant

This hormone implant goes in your arm instead of your vag, which makes insertion a little less invasive and terrifying, but the side effects even more pronounced. Being a woman is amazing! The arm implant lasts up to four years, which means that assuming Planned Parenthood is still open four years from now, you’ll have to make another appointment!

3. Copper IUD

Unlike the above options, the copper IUD doesn’t rely on hormones, but still causes painful and inconvenient side effects anyway! We love an inconsistent bitch. The plus side is that the copper implant lasts for up to 12 years, and depending on your age, you might be barren by the time it wears off anyway. Most dictatorships get more lax after the first decade anyway, so this option might be perfect for you and your rapidly declining political situation!

4. Underground All-Female Commune

At some point, the only way to get through this shit is to pull a reverse Handmaid’s Tale and create your own woman-led society in the sewers. Without any men to impregnate you, there’s no need for birth control in the first place!

5. Crocs

Let’s face it: you’re a millennial. You don’t want to bring children into this world anyway. Just commit to wearing crocs 24/7 until shit blows over. It’s cheaper than getting your tubes tied, and you can accessorize with some fun Jibbitz.

Vegetarian at Barbecue Just Here for the Political Arguments

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS — Barbecues. What better way to show your love for your country than deep-throating five hot dogs? However, at a local Fourth of July celebration, vegetarian nephew Simon Lewis admits he is both unable and uninterested in eating the meat-centric spread.

“No one bothers to make any veggie burgers for me, and I’ve given up asking at this point,” Lewis said, a current junior at Vassar College and two-year vegetarian. “The only thing sustaining me is a hunger for brick-wall political arguments with my conservative family members.”

Independence Day has always been an especially politically charged holiday, perhaps owing to its proclivity to gastrointestinal distress and fiery explosives.

“I don’t miss the taste of meat when it’s just as satisfying to tell Aunt Linda that America was built by genocidal, slave-owning colonizers,” Lewis said. “She nearly dropped her NPR bag.”

When asked what food at the barbecue he can eat, Lewis said that he does eat the mac and cheese. When asked about the environmental impact of the dairy industry, Lewis cut across the backyard, muttering something about picking a fight with Grandpa Larry.