Philosophy Major Volunteering at Usdan Unsure Whether to Serve Chicken, Egg Roll First

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Monday, Usdan staff made the disastrous mistake of allowing two philosophy majors to serve food to their fellow students. “It was our fault,” Linda Royce, head of the Usdan food committee, said remorsefully. “We were too naive putting chicken and egg rolls in front of them. We should’ve just picked one or the other.”

In the kitchen, the philosophy majors could be heard arguing loudly amongst each other. The food line was at a standstill as the volunteers heatedly debated which food choice should come first on the students’ plates. “I think we were waiting for about an hour,” said Alex Monaghan ‘23. “The line went all the way to the Chapel.” 

In the end, no choice was made. The philosophy majors were ushered out and Usdan staff vowed to never let philosophy majors volunteer again, especially not alongside any variation of a chicken or egg food duo. “From now on,” said Linda Royce, “we will only have chicken egg rolls”.

Copulation in Covid: Four Ways to Freak with No Fear!

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, individuals have found themselves faced with severe isolation, fear, and sexual frustration. Precautionary measures, such as social distancing and mask wearing, have left most longing for the vibrant social interactions they experienced prior to the pandemic. For many of these people, what they yearn for most is the sex life they once had in the mask-free world. The sexual tension is palpable on Wesleyan University’s campus as a result of the pandemic, and we are prepared to solve this issue. 
The Groundhog, in collaboration with Davison Health Center, is thrilled to present a detailed guide on how to get d*ck without getting sick (or; how to sit on a face, without public health disgrace). 

Masked From the Back:

Nurse Jeniffer of the Davison Center insisted that we began by presenting her favorite: doggy style in masks. She explains, “With both students facing in the same direction, transmission of the virus is far less likely to occur. Plus, who doesn’t like hitting it from behind?” Andrew F. ‘23 elaborates on the added benefits of mask-wearing during intercourse: “My roommate really appreciates that any noises are far more muffled. He no longer gets migraines when my boyfriend sleeps over.”

Circular Eating:

Nurse Mark strongly suggests that students try the sixty-nine method. This involves the two students facing in opposite directions, thus lowering the chances of infection. While he understands that this is slightly less practical on a twin bed, he assures it is safe and enjoyable for both individuals. Furthermore, Nurse Mark teased an oral-sex davison-exclusive PPR release coming up, that “stops COVID transmission like a dam.” Hannah G. ‘21 shares her confidence in this position: “I just feel so much safer with my hookup’s face far away from my own! Like, we all have sexual needs, but I don’t need to swap tongues to get the deed done. Plus, I have no problem with his junk in my face. It kind of reminds me of my pet hamster.”

Zoomegle:

During times of social isolation, making virtual connections is of the utmost importance! Zoom offers a variety of fun ways to engage in online intercourse: from zoom orgies (feel free to pin your favored partner for extra intimacy) to breakout-room speed dating, the platform lets you scout out a responsible sexual partner before making any contact-commitments. 

Masturbation and Education:

Finally, we want to present you with a Groundhog special: masturbation and education. Get sexual with yourself as you watch CDC guideline videos and informational forums on Covid-19, presented by the most promiscuous professionals. This method is a 2-1 package, as you can relieve your sexual frustration while also staying up-to-date on the newest precautionary measures. Martha C. details why this is her new favorite: “I love staying informed, plus the CDC Specialists have really sexy voices. I mean, what could be better?”

The Groundhog and Davison Health Center hope this was inspiring and informative for all. Happy humping!

Aspiring CSS Major Claims He Is Next RBG for Men’s Rights

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died of metastatic pancreatic cancer September 18th, 2020. While many mourned her death, viewing her as a feminist icon and champion for women’s rights, one Wesleyan student saw it as an opportunity.

“I just feel that men’s rights have taken a back seat to women’s rights in recent years, and I think it’s time for that to change,” said Ron Kaczynski ‘24, citing “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion as one of the ways in which women’s rights are getting “too out of hand”. 

Kaczynski is planning to major in CSS, hoping the rigorous course load will increase his chances of getting nominated for Supreme Court Justice. He is still in the process of picking between Yale and Harvard Law Schools to go to straight after graduating. 

When asked about how he plans to start off this project he said, “Yeah I’m actually thinking about making shirts that say ‘Nevertheless s(HE) Persisted’ just to drive home the whole men’s rights thing.”

Scoop Week Is Coming

MIDDLETOWN – It’s the almost the first week of October on Wesleyan’s campus, and you know that could only mean one thing: Scoop Week. Get ready for one of the craziest weeks of the year, and keep up with the Groundhog for exclusivecoverage on the whole thing.

Fear. Lust. Betrayal. Comradery. Triumph. Humiliation. Boyish Wonder. As we all know, these are integral to the spirit of Scoop Week. In a matter of days, time on this campus freeze, like ice cream, and we will depart on an adventure of Homeric magnitude.

Scoop Week will affect the cultural landscape of Wesleyan so intensely that afterwards, all dates will be referred to in their relation to it. We will adopt an After Scoop Week (A.S.W.)/Before Scoop Week (B.S.W) system. For example, I came to Wesleyan in 3B.S.W, and, if I make it through scoop week, I’ll leave Wesleyan 0A.S.W.

To prepare for Scoop Week, ready yourself for endless possibilities.

Wesleyan University Hires 5 New Presidents

MIDDLETOWN – An email was sent out on Tuesday to all Wesleyan students in response to the overwhelming outcry from the student body regarding inhumane work conditions. The email, sent by Dean Rick, announced that the university would hire five new presidents to help Michael Roth deal with his increased and unreasonable workload caused by the protests.

“We hear you,” says Rick,” and we want to work with you. We appreciate that we can create a space where you feel like you can protest. In order to make sure those protests are properly invalidated, we will be hiring 5 more presidents to help President Roth make up numbers that help him continue to profit off the hard work of others without feeling any guilt.”

Citing an excessive increase in emotional labor, Roth claims he has looked at the data and decided that he will need at least 5 more presidents to help deal with this protesting issue. These new presidents will start at a reasonable wage of just $600,000/year each. In order to pay for these new positions, Roth will not be taking a pay-cut. Instead, everything in Weshop will be marked up by 500%.

Sinful Partying Teens Swallowed by Hellpit

MIDDLETOWN – For too long we have indulged our every hedonistic whim, paying no heed to the possible punishment for our nightly sacrilege. For too long we have been greedy, lustful, gluttonous, and “sloth,” blinded to the true wrath of the almighty by our drunken hubris. For too long we have crammed into senior houses, and now we have become the architects of our own undoing.

Last Friday, a house party on Fountain was brought to a grinding halt during the third play of “Mo Bamba” when a Hellpit opened on the dance floor, pulling most of the soccer team, a bunch of freshmen and that one kid from your FYS into the fiery chasm below. Eye witness reports recall a voice from the depths calling out to the crowd. The disembodied, booming voice reportedly spoke in tongues, saying “Lorem ipsum dolor ResLife sit amet.” No expert we have contacted could decipher the ancient language, but if we were to make a conjecture, we would say it is probably not good.

The residents were pulled into a hell of their own – relocated and isolated in the Butts. There they will learn to repent. Hopefully, it will teach them to find enjoyment in prayer rather than partying.

This portal to the underworld has since been closed thanks to help from Physical Plant, but we cannot help but wonder if this will be the last. Until we return to the path of the righteous, please refrain from having any fun whatsoever.

New CAPS Therapist Clearly Just Michael Roth’s Dog Wearing Glasses

Students were disappointed last Friday when the much-anticipated new addition to the CAPS staff was revealed to be no more than President Michael Roth’s dog Mathilde wearing glasses.

“Dr. Woof is perfectly qualified for this position,” maintained Michael Roth. “She has over ten years of experience working as a psychologist for the St. Bernard Hospital, and her PhD thesis on dog therapy has been universally lauded for its conclusive and efficacious results,” he added, pointing at Dr. Woof’s doctorate from Barkeley University.

This development is unfortunately but the latest in a series of idiosyncratic management decisions made by the university. Indeed, this September marked the inauguration of two new therapy treatments at the CAPS: reflective therapy, in which students are invited to describe their problems to a mirror with a mustache stuck onto it until they feel better, and reverse-therapy, in which students are offered the opportunity to counsel CAPS staff to help them work through the emotional and financial strain of their work.

Weird Vibes in Inside Room of Two Room Double Pregame

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Sources at a pregame in a West-Co two room double confirmed last night that the inside room really had weird vibes. According to eye-witness reports, the first main room of the dorm was really great, with tons of great people and fun music, but the inside room was really confusing. “Yeah, really couldn’t figure that inside room out. Went in for a second and then immediately had to leave,” says Bridget Holstein ‘21, who attended the pregame for an hour. “There wasn’t even music playing in that room. Just a couple kids sitting and whispering.”

Melissa Harris ‘20 had further evidence to offer in the classification of the vibes in that inside room as indeed weird. “I think it was full of smoke. Or maybe vape air or whatever, I don’t know. But it was definitely hard to see.” When asked if there was anything that she was able to distinctly make out through the haze, Harris mentioned that she thought she was able to discern a couple making out with way too much tongue. “And maybe there was even a kid reading a book? Definitely not normal vibes.”

We reached out  to Barry Gleeson ‘21, was hosting the pregame. “Yeah, my roommate was out of town for the weekend, so I don’t know who was even in there. I don’t think it was his friends.” His roommate, Leon Norris ‘21, is confirmed to have been visiting a friend at Tufts for the weekend, and thus it has been deemed that he cannot be held responsible for the strangeness of the vibes in his room. He notes that it was not in fact his friends who were in that room.

When questioned, it seemed that in fact no one in the first room of the pregame knew anyone in the inside room, and few had even seen those kids before. “I think one of them was in my Language of Hollywood class,” Holstein commented, “but I don’t know about that one with the crazy tattoo and the track suit. He was new to me. Kind of cute though.”

Man’s Best Friend Actually Jerry, Not Dogs

Move aside dogs, man has a new best friend, and his name is Jerry. Honestly, man and dogs have been drifting apart for a while now. It was a good run, but sometimes these things just happen. They really didn’t have anything in common. Double entendres about “bitches” can only sustain a friendship for so long.

Plus, Jerry has hella skills. Like he’s got apposable thumbs, and he’s way better at playing catch. Jerry is also super good at retrieving dead animals while hunting. Way better than dogs ever were. It’s also really cool because Jerry barely sheds.

It was apparently super awkward when Jerry and dogs met at man’s birthday party. But Jerry is a yellow belt so he wasn’t even scared. Dogs were chill about it though. Not as chill as Jerry, but that’s just because he’s like the biggest chiller.

Dogs have been seen hanging out with woman, but dogs told us they don’t want to really commit to anything right now.