Long Handled Ice Cream Scoop Continues Its Reign of Terror

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As another year begins at Wesleyan, the long handled scoop at Usdan’s ice cream station continues its uninterrupted reign of terror. Intimidating each and every would-be ice cream eater that enters its realm, the long handled scoop dominates the minds of Wesleyan students. 

“I can’t get ice cream without sweating,” said Greg Connors (‘20), a senior who has enjoyed ice cream since his freshman year. “I’m no novice, and still the scoop scares me. I mean, I have nightmares about it.” Connors isn’t the only one. “It’s just too long!” said Julia Little (‘23), a freshman who had recently encountered the spectre-like scoop for the first time. “I gave up mid-scoop, and I swear I could hear it laughing at me as I fled.” Several other Usdan diners expressed similar opinions to Connors and Little but preferred to remain anonymous, for fear that the scoop would target them personally. 

Freshmen and Upperclassmen alike venture into the scoop’s lair with hubristic confidence that they can handle any ice cream scoop. Little do they know how absurdly long the handle of the scoop is. Many leave the ice cream station driven mad by the length of the ice cream utensil, never to be the same.

Student Must Wait Whole Year Until He Can Be Publicly Nice to His Parents Again

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Jeremy Loss ‘21 realized this morning upon waking up and scrolling through his Instagram feed that he would have to wait a full year before he could publicly be nice to his parents again. “It’s really a bummer,” the Wesleyan freshman said, regretting the fact that he had forgotten to post something the day before. “I really love them, but it’s not gonna be Mother’s Day or Father’s Day for another 300+ days, so no one can really know.”

Despite still having access to social media and tons of great photos of the people who brought him into this world, he had no intention of sharing them any other day of the year.  “I love my parents, of course, but I can’t really mention it unless it’s Mother’s Day or Father’s Day,” Loss explained, referring to the people who gave him the incredible and unique gift of life. “That’s just kind of how it goes.”

When questioned, nearly all of Loss’ classmates felt the same way, especially his male peers. “Yeah, I dunno. I guess it just feels weird to be nice to them in public if I’m not specifically told it’s okay,”  said Harrison Knox ‘20, who had no interest in displaying affection for his parents if not on a holiday, despite the fact that without them he would not have ever tasted the sweet fruit that is existence. “They’re my parents, I dunno. I can’t post a picture of them just any old day, it’s not like they’re my dog.”