Freshman Pulls Scooper From Ice Cream, Claims Throne

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Hark! On a sheet of parchment on the front steps of North College, a challenge was issued by none other than President Roth himself. The parchment read as follows: “Those gents who is’t possesseth the pow’r to wield the longeth ice cream scoop from Usdan shall beest mine own immediate success’rs”.

Many students have tried in vain to control the raw power that the scoop exudes. Those who have come close to wielding the untempered energy of the long scoop immediately found themselves on the edge of fainting. One student commented, “After many minutes of struggling to coordinate myself in direct opposition to the scoop’s primordial behest, I blacked out and woke up during Late Night”.

Among the absolute chaos both the long scoop and its puppet, Michael Roth, had sought out, one freshman faced the challenge with a vigor that exceeded that of previous attempts. Walking in from the quiet side, the mysterious and noble hero placed their hand onto the scoop, left sitting in the Narragansett cookie flavor, with grace. They then wielded the scoop with such ease that the student could not have been anything less than a demigod. It is clear that this student, that soon disappeared (likely to take their position), is absolutely worthy.

We recommend that the student body welcome our new leader with open arms. It is best not to disrespect a being with that sheer amount of raw power. 

Entire Freshman Class Body Comprises One Friend Group

MIDDLETOWN, CT – George Harris (‘23) hosted a pregame in his Butterfields forced triple this weekend, thinking he and his roommates had plenty of space to fit the paltry amount of friends they had made so far. Harris realized quickly, however, that the entire freshman class body of Wesleyan University comprises just one friend group, and soon 750 students crowded into his tiny room. 

It is a familiar scene to the Usdan diner who has seen every single table on the quiet side pulled together to create one mammoth banquet table, or to the senior living on Fountain Ave. who has witnessed the traveling horde of freshmen that resemble a wave of zombies on the Walking Dead more than anything else. 

Things perhaps will change soon enough, but in the meantime the entire freshman class body hangs out as one enormous clique, utterly terrified to venture anywhere without their hundred closest friends. They are legion. 

Student Caught Smuggling Manischewitz Into Terp

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Friday, April 19, at approximately 9:39 pm, Wesleyan sophomore Rebekah Goldstein-Rosenberg was caught attempting to smuggle a canteen of Manischewitz wine into the 10 pm Terp show. University administrators that were on-site at the event stated that she had poured it into three separate glasses for her friends Noah Ruben ‘22 and Jenna Katz ‘21 before they proceeded to dip their fingers into their drinks and murmur in a fashion that one Public Safety officer described as “reminiscent of ancient witchcraft.” Dean of Students Richard Richardson stated that, while there was certainly controversy around the incident, he had full faith that P-Safe was executing their jobs to perfection, particularly when they reportedly heard threats of “blood” and “murder of the first-borns.” Although Dean Dick was unsure as to the cause behind the students’ actions, he speculated that it was likely a part of the “disruptive protests” of the administration that had occurred on campus recently.

However, this is not the same story reported by Rebekah and her friends. In her statement to the Groundhog, Rebekah claimed that they “came to TERP because we were really excited to participate in an integral aspect of the Wesleyan Experience™.” Unfortunately, they ran into a problem when Passover, a supposed holiday in the Jewish religion, landed on the date of the performance. “We wanted to be able to come out and perform in a quintessential Wes event, while still participating in the cultural and religious activities that are important to us,” began Noah Ruben, while Jenna Katz chimed in that “Frankly, this situation as a whole is absurd! We weren’t even drinking the Manischewitz, much less performing witchcraft, which, as a claim, is just blatant anti-semitism.”

While the administration comes to final decisions for the punishments for these three students, we are sure that the student body will be keen to express their own voices and opinions. However, we here at the Groundhog do want to note that we find it suspicious that these students only identified as “Jew-ish” rather than “full-on Jew,” as we’d assume a true Jew would. Nonetheless, let us hope that the situation figures itself out efficiently and fairly, and teaches us an important lesson about disrupting future TERP performances.

Star & Crescent Menu Week of April 22-26

STAR & CRESCENT RESTAURANT

Located at the Alpha Delta Phi House

LUNCH- 12:00-12:45

DINNER- 5:00-6:45

MONDAY-

DINNER- Falafel Platter. House Made Falafel, Hummus, Tomato, Cucumber & Feta Salad, Lemon Tahini, Grilled Pita. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Berry Crisp

TUESDAY-

LUNCH- Chimmi-Churri Grilled Chicken or Portobello Burrito. Spanish Rice, Refried Beans, Cheddar, Roasted Sweet Onion & Poblano, Chipotle Salsa

DES- Oatmeal, Chocolate Chip, Walnut, Craisin Cookies

DINNER- Greens w/ Charred Tomato Vin. Paella w/ Grilled Chicken, Salmon & Shrimp or Tofu & Tempeh. Tomato, Garlic, White Wine & Saffron Rice, Roasted Sweet Onion & Pepper. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Chocolate & Cayenne Cake w/ Raspberry Coulis & Whipped Cream

WEDNESDAY-

LUNCH- Grilled Chicken or Portobello, Bacon or Soy Bacon, Avocado, Tomato, Cheddar, Lemon & Garlic Aioli on Toasted Multigrain

DES- Chocolate Chip & Walnut Cookies

DINNER- Greens w/ Balsamic Vin. Broccoli & Rigatoni w/ Grilled Balsamic Chicken or Tofu. Oven Roasted Tomato, Lemon Zest, Garlic Oil, Parmesan

DES- Lemon Blueberry Crumb Cake, Whipped Cream

THURSDAY-

LUNCH- Mulligatawny(Curried Lentil Soup) Curry Aromatics & Spices, Coconut Milk, Tomato, Lemon. Garnished w/ Smoked Paprika & Cilantro. Served w/ Garlic Naan. VEGAN SOUP

DES- Brownies

DINNER- Greens w/ Red Wine Vin. Puerto Rican Rice & Beans w/ Adobo & Sazon Rubbed, Roasted Chicken or Tofu. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Banana Cake

“Divest This!” Michael Roth Gleefully Cries as He Runs Around Campus With a Super-Soaker Full of Gasoline

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.

When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.

It’s Actually Feminist to Make HIM Cum

Girl Power Update: Did you know, the female orgasm is uh, *yawn alert* totally passé? That’s like, Second Wave Feminism ladies! We get it, women like to cum! We already know this, but did you know that men want to enjoy sex, too? In all of our ladies first fervor, we forgot to think about the sexual pleasure of our male partner! That’s not what *I* call equality. The next time you get busy, make sure to ask what HE wants. As we all know, most men are too shy to ask women what they really fantasize about in bed, and instead resort to subtle guilt mechanisms until you finally make a threesome Tinder account. How many times have you had sex with a man and had to ask, “Hey man, did you cum? I got off like three times over here and I feel like I’m taking advantage of your generosity.” Don’t leave your man’s pleasure behind! Be a true feminist, and make! him! cum!

Is it Aries Season, or Is it Just You?

So, the craziest thing just happened. You were minding your business, texting while driving, when a car comes out of nowhere and nearly side-swipes you. Ugh! It must be Aries season. You come home, and your roommate is mad at you because you forgot to wash the dishes AGAIN. Total Aries season move, am I right? What other frustrations could you face in the following month? Will your ex-boyfriend give you an unexpected call, after you’ve been texting him for weeks? Will the FBI uncover a wide-reaching college admissions scandal that implicates you and your family for fraud? Who knows. It all depends on your own personal choices and actions, and the following consequences for your behavior. Or, you could blame it on Aries season! You’re SUCH a Libra anyway.